10 Women Reveal What It Feels Like When an Ex Reaches Out Years Later

Let me set the scene—a tough one. You get dumped. Not just casually, but brutally and without warning. Naturally, the breakup leaves you shattered and heartbroken. You spend months grieving the end of the relationship, struggling to heal. Then, one day, you finally wake up feeling a bit lighter, ready to move forward and start living again. Just as you begin to reclaim yourself and open up to new possibilities, like clockwork, your ex reaches out.

If you find yourself slipping into a spiral after getting a message from an ex, that’s completely normal. A text or DM from someone you once loved can stir up powerful emotions. In fact, clinical psychologist and author Dr. Beth Kurland explains that reconnecting—even digitally—can reactivate the brain’s pain centers tied to the breakup.

“When we break up and later receive a message from an ex, it can trigger the same neural pathways,” Kurland told Elite Daily. “We long for the pleasure we once felt with that person, which helps explain why letting go is so tough and can even become an obsession.”

Unless your ex’s message clearly asks to meet or talk (perhaps to remain friends), it’s likely a case of what Bela Gandhi, president of Smart Dating Academy, calls “breadcrumbing.” Gandhi explains this as giving random, purposeless “crumbs” of attention to keep you hanging without any real intention of moving forward,

So, what should you do when an ex unexpectedly contacts you years later? Here are some valuable insights from women on Reddit who’ve experienced this firsthand.

Finding Humor in an Ex’s Unexpected Message

She ended up laughing with her fiancé over the random message from her ex. “One guy I dated about four years ago suddenly reached out recently,” she shared. “He vented about women and dating, bragged about how well he’s doing, and called himself a lone wolf.” Her fiancé found the whole situation pretty funny. After a while, she simply stopped replying.

Knowing When to Cut Ties: Lessons from Painful Past Loves

She knew better than to let him back in. “I dated him for four years—my first love—and he broke my heart more times than I can count. He reached out over two years after leaving me and getting engaged just three months later (surprise: that didn’t last). He didn’t even apologize; he just wanted to ‘check up on me.’ I told him to get lost and never contact me again. He acted shocked and offended—lol. Too many heartbreaks, and I know myself well enough not to let him back in, not even a little.”

He kept trying until she finally deleted him from Facebook. “Yeah, my cheating ex from university used to reach out now and then for about five years after we broke up. I replied politely a few times out of curiosity, told him my life was great, then deleted him a few years ago—and haven’t heard from him since. There’s no relationship anymore, and I have zero desire to stay connected.”

The Unsettling Habit of Watching Instagram Stories Without Following

“No, but my ex—who I was with for nearly five years—still watches my Instagram stories even though he doesn’t follow me. He sees them almost immediately after I post, and honestly, it feels creepy. We broke up almost three years ago, and he’s been with his current girlfriend for two years.”

An Ex Reaching Out at a Difficult Time

“Not long ago, an ex messaged me during my grandmother’s funeral. We were together for many years, but toward the end, he had a lot of issues and didn’t treat me right—he even cheated on me. I’m so much happier without him now. He found a new girlfriend just two months after we split. We broke up a few years ago, and I’m still happily single by choice.”

“He sent a long, complicated message asking how my life was going. I responded coldly but politely. He understood that I didn’t want to engage and didn’t push further. He always knew I prefer not to be friends with my exes.”

A Feminism Course Sparks an Unexpected Apology

“My ex contacted me after a couple of years of silence to apologize for being a jerk. He took a university course on gender discrimination that opened his eyes to the harmful things he’d done—not just to me, but to other women too. So, he reached out and apologized. We haven’t spoken since.”

A Cold but Satisfying Closure

“Definitely. About a year after we broke up, he messaged me to say sorry for how he treated me during our relationship. He asked if we could be friends, and I declined. We haven’t talked since, but getting that apology felt good.”

Rekindling After Years Apart

“My high school boyfriend and I dated for four years but broke up at 21 because we wanted different things. It was tough for both of us. We lost touch for a while, then four years later, after I’d just gone through another breakup, he reached out. We met up for drinks, caught up again the following week, and have now been together for about a year.”

From Catching Up to Crossing the Line

“He messaged me on Facebook and we had a nice chat catching up. Things were going well until he started telling me how attractive I still was and how stupid he was for cheating on me. Then out of nowhere, he sent an unsolicited dick pic. I blocked him immediately—I wasn’t interested at all.”

Maintaining a Respectful Connection Years Later

“We had an amicable breakup about eight years ago. He reached out around the five-year mark, and now we email every few months to catch up. We never met in person again, but since we invested a lot in each other, it’s nice to see how we’re both doing.”

“I once reached out to an ex after about four years, feeling guilty and wanting to apologize for everything that happened. He blocked me instantly—and honestly, I deserved it.”