When you’re on a first date, you’re naturally focused on spotting a potential partner’s most appealing qualities, which can make it easy to overlook their less attractive traits—unless they are glaring red flags. This assessment isn’t about their appearance or style, but about the fundamental way they behave and treat you. The problem is that during those early dates, people tend to be on their absolute best behavior, rarely showing the negative aspects of their core personality.
“As a matchmaker and dating coach, I tell singles that the real person doesn’t usually reveal themselves until about three months in,” says Susan Trombetti, CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking. “That’s why many relationships either flourish or fall apart after that period.”
Around the three-month mark—when the chemical rush of the honeymoon phase begins to subside—you might start noticing that your partner isn’t a great listener, lacks generosity, or seems perpetually unhappy. These behavioral shifts can instantly give you the “ick.” Since everyone’s idea of what’s unattractive differs, Trombetti advises evaluating whether these flaws are dealbreakers or just bad habits that your partner is willing to address.
“Whenever you spot a red flag, ask yourself if it’s deeply rooted in their personality or just a bad habit—and whether they’re open to change,” she advises. “These small personality quirks can lead to a breakup depending on how severe they are.”
Here are some of the most common unattractive traits experts say partners may exhibit—and how these traits fundamentally challenge a relationship’s longevity.
I. The Threat to Safety and Connection: Communication and Respect
These habits directly compromise the necessary foundation of trust, emotional safety, and respectful engagement that sustains a long-term partnership.
1. When Communication Fails
Poor communication is the functional breakdown of the relationship engine. While it can sometimes be subtle, it almost always becomes noticeable and destructive over time.
- The Early Warning: On a first date, poor communication might show up as a lack of engagement: the partner is frequently on their phone or not truly paying attention to you. Trombetti notes this is an immediate red flag, signaling a lack of respect and listening skills.
- The Progression: As the relationship progresses, poor communication manifests as recurring, unresolved arguments, difficulty negotiating conflicts, or the painful feeling of being consistently unheard and unacknowledged.
- The Challenge of Change: Trombetti explains that “It’s tough to deal with poor communication in a relationship.” While people who struggle with communication can learn new skills, it requires a profound, genuine effort and commitment to change, often with the help of therapy. A partner who refuses to learn how to communicate respectfully is a partner who refuses to invest in the relationship’s stability.
4. When Jokes Become Jabs (The Sarcasm Barrier)
Sarcasm is frequently used as a defense mechanism or a veiled form of aggression, which can quickly erode emotional safety and intimacy.
- Signals Emotional Difficulty: Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, explains that many find sarcasm unattractive because it often signals difficulty in expressing genuine, vulnerable emotions.
- The Veiled Rudeness: Sarcasm can quickly become draining, making it hard to have meaningful conversations or resolve conflicts effectively. When someone consistently resorts to sarcasm during tough moments, it acts as a red flag signaling emotional immaturity. While sarcasm can be used as playful humor, it often serves as a thinly veiled form of rudeness, waiting to surface as contempt or belittlement. People crave deep, honest connections, which sarcasm prevents.
6. The Impact of Jealousy on Love
Jealousy is arguably the most destructive unattractive trait because it fundamentally compromises the partner’s autonomy and freedom.
- The Suffocating Control: Trombetti is clear: “Jealousy can feel suffocating because it often turns into control.” The green-eyed monster can lurk everywhere—jealousy about your career success, your personal finances, or simply anyone you talk to outside the relationship.
- The Loss of Self: It is profoundly difficult to be your true, whole self when a partner’s insecurity is constantly dictating your behavior. Trombetti’s advice is absolute: “Walk away from it.” This behavior is overwhelming, manipulative, and fundamentally incompatible with a relationship built on trust and respect.
II. The Threat to Shared Life: Investment and Positivity
These habits indicate a partner’s lack of willingness to invest in the future, contribute equally, or maintain the positive emotional atmosphere necessary for shared joy.
2. A Negative Attitude (The Emotional Drain)
A partner who constantly views the world through a lens of cynicism and complaint creates an emotional drain that makes shared life unsustainable.
- Focus on the Downside: “Negative people are hard to be around,” Trombetti says. They rarely find genuine joy or excitement in anything and tend to focus on the downside of every situation.
- Spoiling Shared Joy: This negativity can actively spoil special moments like birthdays or holidays by making everything about their own gloom, misery, or disappointment.
- Lacking Future Vision: Building a relationship with someone like this is deeply challenging because they often lack the enthusiasm or hope required when discussing the future. While some negative individuals might improve with changes like a new job or environment, you must ask: Do you want a partner who can offer positivity and support, or one who acts as a perpetual anchor?
3. Dealing with a Selfish Partner (The Unequal Burden)
Selfishness is an instant turn-off because it signals a lack of reciprocity, forcing the partner to carry an unequal emotional and logistical burden.
- Early Indicators: On a first date, selfishness might show up as someone who dominates the conversation or never asks thoughtful questions about you.
- Relationship Progression: As the relationship progresses, you see the true cost: they take a long time to respond to important messages, consistently put their own needs ahead of yours in conflict, or “forget” to pitch in with shared responsibilities (chores, planning, emotional labor).
- The Loneliness Factor: This behavior can leave you feeling acutely lonely, even when you are physically in a relationship. Trombetti notes: “While a selfish person can work on becoming less self-centered, this trait is often deeply rooted. Red flags are usually there for a reason.” A willingness to change is required, but deep-seated selfishness is a difficult barrier to overcome.
III. The Threat to Personal Growth: Competition and Ambition
These habits suggest a partner is focused on competition or stagnation, rather than mutual inspiration and forward movement.
5. When Everything Is a Competition (The Low Self-Esteem Trap)
A partner who constantly tries to one-up you—or anyone else—is unattractive because it reveals a profound insecurity and lack of relational maturity.
- Boosting by Degrading: According to Roos, “We’ve all met those people who boost themselves by putting others down.” This behavior is designed to elevate their own fragile ego by diminishing the success or experience of others.
- Low Self-Esteem: This behavior often points directly to low self-esteem. A partner who is truly secure does not need to compete with or constantly criticize the person they love. Roos concludes that truly loving someone else starts with the ability to love yourself first—a stability that a competitive person lacks.
7. The Problem with Low Drive (Lack of Shared Vision)
A persistent lack of ambition, goals, or future vision can be a significant red flag, particularly for partners who are highly driven themselves.
- Early and Later Signs: Low drive might show up early—like on a first date when they struggle to talk about their job or future goals—and often becomes clearer over time as they fail to make life decisions.
- The Compatibility Gap: How much this bothers you depends entirely on what you’re looking for. However, if you have a clear five-year plan, chances are you’ll want someone who shares that drive and direction. A lack of goals creates a severe compatibility gap, as the relationship eventually stalls, with one partner pulling forward while the other remains stagnant.
The most important insight from these experts is that while initial attraction is chemically driven, long-term fulfillment is defined entirely by character. The moment you realize your partner’s flaws are not temporary habits but deeply rooted patterns that compromise your safety, joy, or autonomy, you are at the critical juncture Trombetti identifies. The choice then becomes whether to tolerate the flaw or prioritize your own well-being.
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