If Your Ex Ever Said These 4 Things, You Were in a Toxic Relationship

They say hindsight is 20/20, and honestly, there’s no truer statement when it comes to examining past relationships. Once the intense wounds from a breakup start to heal, it becomes easier to take a clear, honest look back. You might realize the relationship wasn’t just imperfect or unhealthy, but something far more damaging: outright toxic.

While you may have known the relationship felt turbulent, chaotic, or “on-and-off,” here is something you might not have considered: you can often tell if your relationship was toxic simply by remembering how your ex talked to you. The consistent use of specific, calculated phrases reveals an underlying pathology of control and disrespect.

Defining the Toxic Dynamic

First, let’s get clear on what a “toxic relationship” truly means. According to Psychology Today, a toxic relationship is one that consistently negatively impacts you—physically, mentally, or emotionally. If a relationship is missing fundamental elements like trust, support, or mutual respect, it can easily devolve into toxicity.

Licensed clinical social worker Melanie Shapiro notes why recognizing these dynamics is challenging: “It can be difficult to identify because you might start feeling responsible and part of the problem.” Furthermore, the relationship itself often induces anxiety and depression, and these symptoms (like low mood and low motivation) make it even harder to see the toxic patterns clearly.

One profoundly helpful way to check if your past relationship crossed the line into toxicity is to reflect on the words your ex used. If any of these four phrases sound hauntingly familiar, there is a strong chance your relationship was structurally unhealthy and emotionally manipulative.

I. The Tactic of Blame: Evading Accountability

In healthy relationships, partners own their mistakes and apologize. In toxic relationships, one partner attempts to externalize all fault, placing the full burden of responsibility on the other.

1. “It’s Your Fault. You Always…”

If you constantly felt like you were the bad guy—the source of every argument, failure, or problem—that is a massive red flag signaling a lack of accountability.

• The Unilateral Blame: Licensed clinical social worker Melanie Shapiro explains that if your ex consistently blamed you for all the problems in the relationship or expected you to do all the changing while they made no effort themselves, the dynamic was fundamentally unhealthy. The toxicity begins when the responsibility becomes brutally one-sided.
• Refusing Mutual Growth: As Shapiro explains: “When it becomes one-sided and your partner refuses to make adjustments to understand your feelings or meet your needs, that can be toxic. They aren’t willing to take responsibility for their actions.” This refusal is an act of deep disrespect; it prevents mutual growth and condemns the relationship to perpetual failure driven by one partner’s rigidity.
• The Necessity of Apology: Sure, some people struggle more with admitting fault, but if you genuinely cannot remember your partner ever offering a sincere apology or taking full, unequivocal accountability for their mistakes, chances are the relationship leaned toward toxic. Healthy love requires mutual growth and shared ownership of problems.

II. The Tactic of Gaslighting: Undermining Reality

Gaslighting is perhaps the most insidious form of emotional manipulation, designed to make the victim doubt their own senses, sanity, and memory.

2. “You’re Crazy — That Never Happened”

Did your ex frequently deny your lived experiences or feelings? Did they insist things didn’t happen the way you remembered—even when you were certain? This is the clearest verbal manifestation of gaslighting.

• Attacking Perception: Shapiro notes that if your ex regularly denied saying or doing things you clearly recall, it is a major red flag. This tactic works by attacking the very foundation of your reality. By asserting that your recollection is flawed or that your emotional reaction is exaggerated, they force you into a state of intense self-doubt.
• Chipping Away at Trust: Gaslighting chips away at your trust in yourself. Over time, you may begin to second-guess your emotions, memories, and judgment, becoming wholly reliant on the gaslighter’s version of events. This gives them immense, psychological control over the relationship narrative.
• Manipulation, Not Miscommunication: If this pattern sounds familiar, it was likely not just simple miscommunication or an innocent mistake; it was a deliberate tactic of emotional manipulation, which makes a relationship toxic by definition.

III. The Tactic of Isolation: Cutting Off Support Systems

A primary sign of an abusive or toxic partner is the systematic attempt to separate the victim from their friends, family, or other external sources of perspective and strength.

3. “Don’t Listen to Your Sister/Friend/Mother”

It is normal for a partner to have mixed feelings about someone in your life. But there is a massive difference between voicing genuine concern and engaging in a pattern of calculated isolation.

• Narrowing Reality: If your ex regularly bad-mouthed your friends or family, created friction with them, or consistently discouraged you from spending time with people who cared about you, that is a sign they were likely trying to limit your outside support and perspective. Shapiro confirms: “Proving other people are untrustworthy allows your partner to narrow the reality.”
• Gaining Control: By successfully cutting you off from your inner circle, a toxic partner achieves two goals: they gain more control (as you lose objective external voices) and they increase your dependence on them for emotional validation and companionship. Isolation is a classic precursor to more severe forms of control and abuse, and it is never acceptable.

IV. The Tactic of Degradation: Undermining Self-Worth

Emotional abuse is often defined by the deliberate use of language to degrade the victim’s intelligence, capabilities, and fundamental value.

4. “That Was Stupid” (or other belittling remarks)

Undermining your intelligence, choices, or capabilities—whether directly through insults or through passive-aggressive, joking remarks—is a clear form of emotional abuse.

• The Weapon of Vulnerability: This may involve an ex who made cruel jokes at your expense, publicly criticized your career choices, or constantly picked at known insecurities. Constructive feedback is healthy; humiliation and belittlement are not.
• Crossing the Line: Shapiro emphasizes that using someone’s vulnerabilities against them, especially as a form of control, shame, or public degradation, crosses the line into emotional abuse. The message you received—that you were made to feel inferior, unworthy, or that you somehow deserved bad treatment—is fundamentally toxic and deeply damaging to the psyche.
• The Deserved Partner: You deserve a partner who actively builds you up, celebrates your intelligence, and supports your choices, not one who systematically tears you down to boost their own fragile ego.

V. The Path Forward: Recognizing, Accepting, and Healing

If reflecting on your past relationship brought these phrases roaring back to life, you were likely in a toxic dynamic. Now what?

First, Accept Absolution, Not Blame

Take a deep breath. Recognizing the relationship as toxic is the first and most powerful step toward healing.

You may feel frustrated for not seeing the signs sooner or for staying too long. That’s normal. But do not blame yourself. Toxic relationships can happen to anyone, especially when manipulation, charm, gaslighting, or isolation are involved. Toxic partners are highly skilled at disguising their true motives.

Seek Support and Rebuild Trust

• The Goal of a Healthy Partnership: As Shapiro reminds us: “A relationship shouldn’t make you feel badly about yourself. Look for a partner who supports you and makes you feel valued.”
• Emotional Recovery: If your past toxic relationship still weighs heavily on you—leaving behind anxiety, low self-worth, or lingering confusion—it is essential to seek support. A licensed therapist or counselor can provide professional guidance to help you process the trauma, rebuild your trust in your own reality (a vital step after gaslighting), and begin the work of emotional recovery.

What matters most is that you got out. You chose to walk away for the sake of your well-being. And now that you possess the clear, undeniable knowledge of these verbal warning signs, you are in a far better position to create and recognize the healthy, respectful love you truly deserve in the future.

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