Stop the Manipulation: 11 Excuses Unfaithful Partners Use That You Must Recognize

The words are chillingly familiar to anyone who has experienced betrayal: “Sorry, my phone was dead all day.” “I barely know her.” “Can you just calm down? We’re only coworkers.” When a partner is confronted with evidence of unfaithfulness, the natural response is not accountability, but a frantic effort to construct a shield of excuses. No matter the specific words chosen, these are rarely honest explanations; they are thin defenses designed to conceal the betrayal or, worse, to shift the blame, making the victim doubt their own sanity.

Lisa Ribacoff, an Advanced Certified Polygraph Examiner and private investigator with a decade of experience, notes that unfaithfulness is the most common issue she encounters. Ribacoff has observed that while the specific wording may vary by gender—men commonly leaning on “I was drunk,” and women more frequently using “It didn’t mean anything”—the fundamental evasiveness is universal. The one common thread is the refusal of the unfaithful partner to take full, absolute responsibility for their choices.

According to experts, the underlying reasons for unfaithfulness are often consistent—lack of intimacy, revenge, sudden financial stress, or simply the long-awaited opportunity to connect with an admired person. However, regardless of the underlying cause, the choice to betray is always an individual decision. Recognizing and rejecting the following common excuses is vital for self-preservation and emotional clarity.

I. Excuses Based on Logistics and Lack of Accountability

These excuses are designed to explain away physical evidence or suspicious time gaps by claiming external circumstances dictated their actions, thereby removing agency.

1. “I Need to Stay Late at the Office”

This is one of the easiest defenses to use because it utilizes a common and necessary part of modern professional life: work.

• The Telltale Shift: If this happens only occasionally or has been standard since the start of your relationship, there is likely no issue. However, as Spiritual Counselor and Dating Expert Davida Rappaport warns, “If your partner very rarely works late and they suddenly start working late on a regular basis, more than likely they are being unfaithful.” The sudden, unexplained change in routine is the critical red flag.
• Why You Shouldn’t Accept It: Unless you see tangible evidence of this extra workload (e.g., increased pay, major project completion, or verifiable company emails sent after hours), a shift to regular late nights is a convenient shield for non-work-related activity.

2. “I Just Grabbed Drinks with the Whole Team”

This excuse uses the cover of social conformity—suggesting the partner was merely fulfilling a harmless, group-oriented requirement.

• The Transparency of Change: Again, this only becomes suspicious if it represents an abrupt change in established social behavior. Rappaport states, “If your partner generally does not socialize with their co-workers other than a holiday or birthday party, this excuse is pretty transparent, especially if you were told after the fact.” If the socializing is infrequent, pay attention to repeated, secretive instances.
• Why You Shouldn’t Accept It: If the social activity was truly innocent and group-oriented, there would be no reason to conceal it or fail to invite you (if appropriate). Telling you “after the fact” suggests deliberate concealment.

6. “I Just Crashed on a Friend’s Couch Last Night”

This logistical excuse relies on the convenience of a sudden, unplanned overnight stay away from home.

• The Test of Repetition: Rappaport explains, “If this happened one time, it might be an acceptable excuse. But if they do it more than once, you should not believe them.” A single unplanned night can be plausible, but a pattern indicates a deliberate choice to seek privacy away from the shared home.
• Why You Shouldn’t Accept It: The repeated choice to spend the night elsewhere, rather than communicating the difficulty or simply coming home, signals a willingness to prioritize personal freedom over shared responsibility and comfort. If your intuition tells you something is wrong when you hear this, it is worth paying attention, as a violation of physical proximity is often the easiest betrayal to spot.

7. “I Don’t Know How That Lipstick Got There”

This excuse attempts to deflect tangible, physical evidence by claiming ignorance or innocence, demanding you believe the impossible.

• The Reality Test: Let’s be realistic: the only way a stranger’s lipstick, perfume, or another’s distinct scent ends up on your partner’s clothes or body is if someone put it there. This is a clear sign of unfaithfulness and an attempt to use a weak excuse to avoid being caught.
• Why You Shouldn’t Accept It: Rappaport notes that if the foreign item was the result of an accidental encounter (e.g., a hug from a coworker), the partner would know who caused it and why, and would have already told you. The claim of total ignorance is a test of your gullibility.

II. Excuses Based on External Force and Blame-Shifting

These excuses are designed to strip the unfaithful partner of responsibility by claiming they were either too intoxicated to control their actions or were “forced” into the situation by an outside party.

3. “I Was Too Drunk to Remember Anything”

This is a classic deflection that attempts to attribute the betrayal to a temporary lapse in consciousness caused by alcohol.

• The Lack of Justification: Being intoxicated is never a valid excuse or justification for unfaithful behavior. While alcohol lowers inhibitions, it does not rewrite moral programming. The choice to drink to the point of impairment is itself a choice, and the underlying desire remains the individual’s own.
• Why You Shouldn’t Accept It: If your partner continually falls back on the defense that they were too drunk to recall their actions, you need to have a serious discussion about their drinking habits and their willingness to put themselves in situations where they cannot maintain control.

8. “They Were the One Who Came On To Me”

This excuse attempts to shift the entirety of the moral weight onto the other person, claiming the unfaithful partner was an unwilling, passive victim of seduction.

• Avoiding Accountability: Rappaport stresses that, “If your partner said they couldn’t say no because the person kept tempting them, this is pretty much a lame excuse.” It’s a fundamental evasion of responsibility. As psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish says, “Accountability is my one word that summarizes the antidote to unfaithful behavior.” Blaming someone else for their actions speaks volumes about their character and their unwillingness to exercise moral agency.
• The Future Risk: If they were easily tempted once, they are highly likely to be tempted again. The focus is always on the fact that they chose not to say no.

5. “My Ex Said They’d Leave Us Alone if I Met Up With Them”

This is a manipulative excuse that frames the betrayal as a necessary sacrifice made for the greater good of the current relationship.

• The Lie of Necessity: You should never believe this excuse. Your partner is fully capable of refusing any request, whether it’s an innocent coffee date or an attempt to rekindle an old connection. There is no legitimate reason to meet up with an ex who is causing disruption.
• Why You Shouldn’t Accept It: Rappaport advises that “If they didn’t want to be with their ex, they would have refused.” The decision to meet up is a decision to engage, not a necessary step toward peace. However, it is noted that ex-partners are sometimes known to use seduction as a manipulative tool to rekindle old relationships.

III. Excuses That Devalue and Gaslight the Partner

These are the most toxic excuses, as they seek not only to cover up the betrayal but to undermine the victim’s emotional stability, self-worth, and perception of reality.

9. “I Was Feeling Lonely”

This is a devastatingly effective excuse because it forces the betrayed partner to question their own actions, suggesting the infidelity was a justifiable response to a perceived deficit in the relationship.

• The Blame Shift: This excuse is multilayered—it might mean they wanted more affection, or they felt the relationship fading. However, at its core, they are blaming your needs or perceived failures for the fact that they were unfaithful, which is completely unacceptable. Loneliness is an internal state that requires communication, not justification for betrayal.
• Why You Shouldn’t Accept It: Always remember: someone treating you poorly or being unfaithful is not your fault. This is one excuse you should never internalize or attempt to solve through greater effort.

10. “It Only Happened Once”

This phrase attempts to minimize the impact of the betrayal by focusing on duration rather than the nature of the act.

• The Damage to Trust: Whether your partner was unfaithful a single time or repeatedly, the act of deception has already occurred, and the fundamental damage to trust is the same. Infidelity is defined by the breach of contract, not the frequency of the breach.
• Why You Shouldn’t Accept It: After infidelity, it becomes incredibly difficult to believe anything they say. Attempting to minimize the event suggests a lack of understanding of the emotional devastation caused by the lie. The severity of the damage is not quantified by the number of instances.

4. “I Have No Idea Why They Keep Messaging Me”

This is the feigned innocence defense, designed to create a false narrative of being an innocent, unknowing recipient of unwanted attention.

• The Feigned Innocence: This is often paired with the classic, “I don’t even know who that person is.” If your partner is receiving flirtatious texts, unexplained emails, or mysterious phone calls from an unknown person, it’s highly probable that they know exactly who is sending them and why, and are actively concealing the origin.
• The Lack of Resolution: If the attention was truly unwanted, the responsible course of action would be to block the person, change their number, or involve authorities. The failure to resolve the issue confirms passive engagement.

11. “You’re Just Paranoid”

This is the most insidious tactic used by unfaithful partners: gaslighting.

• Emotional Abuse: If a partner is unfaithful and then tells you that you’re just paranoid, they are engaging in gaslighting—a form of emotional abuse used to manipulate you, making you doubt your own sanity and instincts.
• Why You Must Reject It: As Certified Specialist in Family Law Lisa Helfend Meyer states, “If you are suspicious that your partner is having an affair, they probably are unless you’ve been diagnosed as paranoid.” Trusting your instinct is essential for self-protection. The instinctual feeling of suspicion is often the best indicator of truth.

IV. The Path to Healing: Trust Your Instincts

Being betrayed is deeply painful and can affect future relationships, making trust difficult to regain. While some unfaithful partners will say anything to evade accountability, the one thing you must believe is this: none of it is your fault.

Confront your partner directly, observing their non-verbal communication—it often reveals the truth unless they are highly skilled liars. If you genuinely feel they regret their mistake, Meyer recommends seeking therapy immediately and establishing new, strict ground rules to rebuild trust. However, the first step is always to reject the excuses and claim the moral high ground that belongs to you.

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