Second Time’s the Charm? A Divorce Expert Weighs In on Whether Second Marriages Are More Likely to Last

Sitting here with my laptop, the topic that immediately demanded attention was the highly publicized royal wedding between a Prince of the British Monarchy and an already-divorced American actress. The sheer global anticipation surrounding Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s commitment was immense, and yet, amid the fairytale coverage, it was easy to forget the simple, inconvenient fact that the soon-to-be princess had been married once before. The narrative of her past, though brief, underscored a common question that transcends celebrity: Are subsequent marriages actually more likely to succeed? (I also momentarily wondered if I write about dating on a Mac because of the influence of Carrie Bradshaw, but I’ll mercifully spare you that tangential internal debate.)

In terms of public record, Meghan Markle and producer/talent agent Trevor Engelson—who, incidentally, looks like he could have been in the same college fraternity as Prince Harry, if such a socially complex fraternity existed for royalty—tied the knot in a large, relaxed beach ceremony in 2011 and separated by 2013. But the focus here is not to dwell on the specifics of those details; the woman was simply living her life and happened to get a divorce, just like roughly half of the U.S. population does. Besides, if one knew, with perfect foresight, they were going to become a princess, one would probably have filed for divorce, too, to clear the slate for a royal life.

The Statistical Paradox

Though I have never been married or divorced myself, logical reasoning would intuitively suggest that a second marriage should have a higher probability of lasting than a first, since at least one partner is theoretically entering the new union with valuable prior experience, hard-won knowledge of what relational pitfalls to avoid, and clearer expectations of what marriage entails. This reasoning suggests that experience should be the best teacher, reducing the likelihood of repeating past mistakes.

Yet, this logic clashes directly with the hard data. According to statistics frequently cited by the American Psychological Association (APA), the reality is stark: second marriages actually have a significantly higher divorce rate than first marriages. While the divorce rate for first marriages hovers around 40 to 50 percent, the failure rate for second marriages tragically climbs to approximately 60 to 67 percent, and rises even further for third marriages.

While I am definitely not predicting divorce for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle (they are lovely, and I am notoriously terrible at predictions, see: my inaccurate forecast regarding the 2016 US Presidential election), I did feel compelled to better understand the deep-seated reasons behind these counter-intuitive statistics. Why does the experience of a failed marriage make the second attempt statistically more precarious? I consulted with divorce attorney and expert Michelle Afont to get her insightful perspective into why subsequent marriages often end more quickly and more frequently than first ones. The reasons are complex, rooted in structural baggage and psychological conditioning.

I. The Inherent Difficulties of Subsequent Marriages: The Baggage of History

The most significant factors contributing to the failure of second marriages are not typically a renewed lack of love or immediate incompatibility, but rather the structural baggage that the partners bring from their first union—baggage that is logistical, financial, and emotional.

Afont explains the core problem concisely: “Many second marriages are not likely to last based on three simple factors: finances, ex-spouses, and children.” She notes that “Most second marriages begin with some pretty extensive history attached to them,” history that requires continuous negotiation and can quickly erode the fragile foundation of new love.

1. The Financial Friction 💰

Financial strain is the number one cause of divorce in all marriages, but the difficulty is geometrically amplified in subsequent unions. The process of divorce itself is costly, requiring asset division and legal fees, but entering a new union with the financial aftermath of the old one creates major, persistent friction points.

• Existing Debt and Obligations: Unlike first marriages, where the couple starts from a relatively clean financial slate, second marriages often begin with one or both partners carrying substantial debt, credit issues, or financial settlements from the previous union. This restricts the new couple’s ability to save, invest, or pursue shared financial goals.
• Child Support and Alimony: The legal obligation to pay mandated child support or spousal maintenance (alimony) significantly reduces the disposable income available to the new household. This arrangement can be a profound source of stress and resentment for the new spouse, who must manage a tighter budget due to financial obligations to a third, external party.
• Disputes Over Assets: The mixing of pre-marital assets (which are often substantial and hard-won in a second marriage) with newly acquired marital funds can be contentious. Disputes over inheritance for children from the first marriage versus the security of the new spouse are common. As Afont explains, navigating issues like existing debt and child support when assets were previously combined can be incredibly complex. “These issues can cause some fairly intense friction between the newly married couple,” she notes, turning a conversation about budgeting into a painful reminder of the ex-spouse.

2. The Perpetual Presence of the Ex-Factor

Second marriages rarely operate in a vacuum; they are constantly interacting with the remnants of the first relationship, primarily in the form of the ex-spouse. The presence of an ex-spouse and the logistics of shared parenting introduce a third, continuous, and often hostile party into the new marriage—a dynamic that requires continuous, high-level negotiation and emotional restraint.

• The Sabotage Dynamic: While some ex-spouses are pleased to see their former partner move on, others, particularly those who were “dumped” or harbor unresolved anger, may actively seek to sabotage the new relationship. This can manifest as relentless, unnecessary legal motions, leveraging child-related issues to create conflict, or simply creating emotional tension that spills over into the new partnership.
• The Emotional Tax: The new partner must manage the emotional fallout of the old relationship, constantly navigating boundaries, scheduling conflicts, and the psychological burden of dealing with a history they were not a part of. This adds chronic emotional tension that is simply not present in a first marriage.

3. The Complexity of Blended Families and Step-Parenting

The integration of children into a second marriage is one of the biggest, most potent predictors of failure, significantly elevating the risk profile of the union.

• Step-Parenting Struggle: Blended families face immense levels of unique stress. Children often resist the new partner, harbor feelings of loyalty to their biological parent, or actively work to sabotage the new relationship, viewing the step-parent as a “replacement”.
• Lack of Authority: Step-parents often struggle with defining their role, lacking the natural authority of a biological parent. Disagreements between the newly married couple regarding how to discipline and manage the children from the first marriage are constant, creating an internal division that undermines the couple’s unity. As Afont emphasizes, these family complexities are a massive factor in the increased failure rate.

II. The Psychological Drivers of Second Marriage Failure

Beyond the external, structural baggage, the psychological state and behavioral patterns of the individuals entering a second marriage also contribute significantly to the high failure rate.

4. When Expectations Are Too High (The Rebound Effect)

When a first marriage fails, individuals commonly feel a sense of profound failure and loss. The psychological rush of attention from a new suitor is often described as intoxicating, like an addictive drug. This can lead to what therapists call a “rebound relationship,” where individuals rush from one commitment to the next without the necessary time for introspection.

• The Honeymoon Trap: “Most people who enter into second marriages get wrapped up in the excitement of a fresh start and enjoying the thrill of new love,” Afont says. They place enormous, unrealistic pressure on the new partner to be the “solution” to the pain of the past. “As with any marriage, the honeymoon phase eventually fades, and reality takes hold.” When the inevitable complexities of blending families and finances enter the equation, the disillusionment is swift and profound.
• Unresolved Issues: Many individuals fail to adequately reflect on their own role in the failure of the first marriage. They blame the ex-spouse entirely, failing to resolve their own deep-seated issues (e.g., trust issues, poor communication habits, conflict avoidance). These unresolved patterns are then inevitably imported into the second relationship, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.

5. The “Been There, Done That” Mentality

Having already survived a divorce, the individual has crossed a significant psychological threshold. They know they can survive the process, and the pain is a known quantity.

• Lowered Exit Threshold: For individuals in a second marriage, the decision to divorce is psychologically easier. They have proven they can endure the process, and the stigma is reduced. They are less inclined to “stay together for the kids” (if the children are from a prior marriage) or to fight through difficult patches, often viewing divorce as a readily accessible option. The psychological threshold for ending the relationship is significantly lower than it was for the first marriage.

III. How to Help a Second Marriage Succeed: The Prescription for Unity

Despite the daunting statistics, the key takeaway from experts like Michelle Afont is that statistics are not destiny. A second marriage can flourish, provided the couple is proactive, united, and focused on building a new identity.

6. Be United as a Couple and Prioritize the Marriage

Afont’s advice is paramount: “The best recommendation I have for a second marriage is to be united as a couple.” This unity must be active, not passive.

• Unified Front: This means consistently presenting a united front to children, ex-spouses, and extended family, particularly on issues of money and discipline. “Standing united is critical to marriage longevity,” she notes.
• Couples’ Therapy: Utilizing premarital or post-marital counseling is highly recommended to proactively address the inevitable issues of blended family dynamics, financial obligations, and emotional baggage before they become insurmountable crises.

7. Shared Interests and Couple Identity

Afont emphasizes the shift in focus: the second marriage must be primarily about the couple’s shared identity.

• The New Focus: “With a second marriage, that life stage [building the family unit] has likely been satisfied, and the emphasis now shifts to the second marriage as a couple.”
• Intentional Connection: The couple must intentionally build new traditions, new interests, and new shared experiences that reinforce their bond, independent of the children or ex-spouses. Having mutual interests will help them manage the unavoidable stresses that arise, providing a crucial, necessary escape valve.

In the end, statistics are just that: data that applies to a group average, not a specific, individual couple. A second marriage can fail, or it can flourish, but the outcome hinges on a conscious, determined effort to avoid the traps of the past and confront the complex realities of the present. And to bring back my inner Carrie Bradshaw for the final thought: I truly believe that real, enduring love will always find its path, even if it has to travel all the way to a palace to save you. Cheers to Harry and Meghan! The success of their union will be defined by their communication, not the data.

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