When you think about the reasons why people engage in infidelity, what is your immediate assumption? For many, it’s the physical aspect—the intimate connection. If a person is going to betray their partner by getting involved with someone else, it seems logical that a level of physical attraction or the excitement of a new intimate encounter is involved.
However, specialists suggest this is often not the core reason people become unfaithful. In fact, according to Dr. Joshua Klapow, PhD, a clinical psychologist, infidelity is almost always driven more by emotions than by physical desire. “What drives the person to engage in the betrayal is the real reason for the unfaithful behavior,” he tells Bustle.
For instance, someone might pursue unfaithful behavior if they feel disconnected from or aren’t receiving validation from their partner. Should a friend or coworker appear who is ready to listen, it’s understandable why that extra attention would be appealing—and why the connection could quickly escalate into a full-blown emotional betrayal.
While this may not comfort those who have been betrayed, it is vital to examine such situations from every perspective to build a more resilient relationship. Below, women share why they were unfaithful and what they learned from the experience, alongside experts exploring the diverse reasons why people engage in infidelity.
1. Escaping Relationship Turmoil
Sometimes, when a relationship is consumed by conflict—or even when things are simply difficult for a short time—it can cause a person to panic and seek refuge in the arms of another.
In this scenario, the unfaithful behavior is less about physical closeness and more about avoiding existing issues. “Infidelity allows them to escape,” Klapow states. “They can be with a person where problems and conflicts don’t exist, where they get respite, support, and validation.”
This proved true for Deonne, 40, who recognized problems in her partnership but wasn’t ready to confront them. She explains that being with someone else felt like the simplest, most desirable option, and that the betrayal “filled a void.”
2. Lack of Clear Boundaries
As Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, a marriage counselor and director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, informs Bustle, if a person has “weak boundaries,” the risk of infidelity significantly increases. He provides the example of someone becoming too intimate with a colleague and how unfaithful behavior could swiftly develop from that point.
“It is natural for us to want to connect with those around us, and it’s natural to want to take that to the next level—a romantic one—when emotional intimacy is growing,” Bilek says. Yet, while friendships are clearly healthy, individuals with weak boundaries may struggle to prevent themselves from taking things too far.
This highlights why it’s crucial for couples to define their relationship’s “rules,” including what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t, and even what constitutes betrayal. “Keeping firm boundaries at work and in social situations is critical for maintaining fidelity in a relationship,” he advises.
3. A Desperate Plea to Save the Partnership
Although it may sound paradoxical, some individuals use infidelity as “a cry for help to save the relationship before they abandon it entirely,” Bethany Ricciardi, a relationship expert, tells Bustle.
The person who is unfaithful may have a physical encounter, but that wasn’t necessarily their primary motivation or goal, she explains. Instead, the betrayal can be the unfaithful partner’s (unhealthy) way of signaling to their significant other that they have been unhappy and want to initiate a serious discussion.
Once more, this is far from the ideal method for addressing a partner about the state of a relationship or what it needs to thrive. However, it sometimes achieves the desired effect: Some couples do find they are stronger after betrayal because the act prompted them to communicate more effectively and resolve their underlying issues.
4. Seeking an Indirect Breakup
Conversely, some people resort to unfaithful behavior as a strategy to end their current relationship. “Rather than being direct and saying that they want to end the relationship, the person is unfaithful hoping that their partner will find out and break up with them,” Emily Mendez, MS, EdS, a mental health expert, tells Bustle.
They might secretly hope their partner sees compromising texts pop up on their phone or starts questioning why they are coming home so late at night, eventually prompting a confrontation. It is clearly much healthier (and kinder) to end things directly. However, for those who struggle with frank conversation, they might find themselves choosing the path of infidelity instead.
5. Coping with a Traumatic Background
Raina, 44, shared that her reason for being unfaithful originated from an abusive childhood, which led to a toxic first marriage and then an unfulfilling second one. She was unfaithful to her partner both times—first as a means of escaping a harmful situation, and second as a way to continue her journey of self-improvement.
“I had spent two years in therapy trying to get over past abuse,” she tells Bustle. Yet, her second partner was unresponsive to her needs and unsupportive of her progress. In fact, he even encouraged her to stop taking beneficial medication.
Feeling frustrated, when another man offered support, she couldn’t resist beginning an emotional affair with him. “He gave me space, but also support,” she recounts, which helped her gain the confidence to continue processing her past trauma and to seek the future she desired.
“Today, I am independent and strong… While I do regret hurting people, I can’t regret either of my periods of unfaithful behavior. One gave me my children and the other gave me myself.”
6. To Boost Self-Worth
Not everyone experiencing low confidence will engage in infidelity to feel better. But experts confirm this is another potential motivation for someone to engage in secret behavior behind their partner’s back.
“When someone is feeling low about themselves, the excitement of physical closeness with a new/forbidden person provides a temporary feeling of self-worth,” Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, a couples therapist, tells Bustle. “For example, if things aren’t going well at work and [they] feel uncertain about [their] value, an outside emotional connection can temporarily address that feeling.”
Nothing compares to receiving positive attention, flirtatious messages, and the thrill of being desired. Consequently, when someone’s self-esteem is suffering, infidelity becomes significantly more tempting.
7. Feeling Isolated
“The majority of people who are unfaithful are not fulfilled emotionally,” Ellen Bolin, a certified professional relationship coach, tells Bustle, which explains why so many individuals turn to emotional betrayal—which often progresses to physical ones—as a way to cure a feeling of loneliness within their existing relationship.
This is, of course, not the healthiest way to resolve the problem. Painful betrayals can be avoided if couples speak up and inform one another when they feel neglected, unheard, or lonely.
8. Seeking Excitement
If someone is bored with their relationship, it seems logical why they might look to infidelity as a way to create personal excitement. However, experts suggest that, more often than not, unfaithful behavior is a choice made by those who are bored with their own life in general, having little to do with their partner.
“It’s a way to feel alive, special, seen by someone else,” Ross says. “[And] the secrecy is often more exciting than the intimate connection itself.” In essence, having something to conceal—something that introduces a bit of danger into their routine—can provide the stimulating narrative they are searching for.
These reasons are all compelling. But, as Deonne wisely notes, it is essential to remember that “unfaithful behavior is a temporary fix to a deeper issue.”
9. An Act of Retaliation
Infidelity may also serve as an act of revenge, often stemming from anger for various reasons. “The person may be frustrated in their relationship, or feel like their partner doesn’t care, doesn’t listen, doesn’t support them,” Klapow states. “In an act of defiance—but also avoidance of the problem at hand—the person is unfaithful. So instead of directly confronting the problem, they avoid it and act out by engaging in betrayal.” This, however, is a destructive approach.
Knowing that betrayal isn’t always purely about physical closeness will not lessen the pain for the person who has been betrayed, but it may help both members of the relationship understand the root cause of the unfaithful behavior. By addressing issues before they escalate—and ensuring both partners feel fulfilled—infidelity can potentially be prevented.
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