Unhealthy partners often project an appealingly “dark” or “moody” vibe that many people find captivating. They exude a certain coolness that is intriguing in many ways. However, if you’ve repeatedly found yourself attracted to these dramatic types, you already know that none of that guarantees a happy, or even remotely healthy, relationship.
That’s because, along with the thrill and excitement, comes a host of highly undesirable traits. As psychologist Dr. Helen Odessky notes, toxic people are often emotionally distant, manipulative, and fundamentally untrustworthy. They may be prone to cheating, refusing commitment, or dumping all their personal struggles onto your life. Unsurprisingly, relationships with these individuals often result in anxiety, stress, depression—and usually painful breakups.
So, why do you keep getting caught in this pattern? As Odessky explains, “The excitement that this generates is grounded in familiarity,” and the intensity can be initially attractive. “In the long run, [though], this wears us out… because our emotional needs for trust and safety and acceptance are not met.”
This is typically the point when you start asking, “Why do I always do this to myself?” before the whole process restarts. Sound familiar? Then read on for some deeper insights into why you’re constantly drawn to emotionally turbulent partners, and what you can do to change it.
1. You’re Subconsciously Avoiding Commitment
Everyone knows that “difficult” partners are often terrible at committing. They seem ready to jump into their car and disappear at any moment, which obviously feels devastating when you’re the one left behind. But have you considered that this was your plan all along? As advice columnist and breakup coach Chelsea Leigh Trescott suggests, you might be attracted to uncommitted, challenging partners because you are not fully ready to commit yourself. That’s a fascinating thought, isn’t it?
2. You Have a “Savior Complex”
While people who need help aren’t automatically toxic, toxic people are certainly always in need of some form of assistance. If you fit the “fixer” archetype, you might find yourself consistently rushing to their rescue. “For [someone] who suffers from rescuer syndrome or savior complex, nothing engages [their] heart more than a [person] who is toxic and could use some… help,” says Trescott. If this rings true for you, it may explain your string of very needy (and very dramatic) partners.
3. You Excel at Seeing the Best in Others
On a gentler note, your attraction to high-intensity partners may stem from your talent for finding the positive in everyone. Sure, they can be rude. And yes, they’re often unkind. But they are also incredibly sweet and genuinely talented. (Does that internal debate sound familiar?) As Michael Bruch, founder and CEO of the social app Willow, explains, many good-hearted individuals are willing to overlook clear warning signs or negative behavior because of their genuine desire to find the good in a person. While noble, it’s not always a healthy approach.
4. You Are Recovering from a Recent Emotional Blow
We have all experienced it: A relationship ends, your confidence is rattled, and suddenly you find yourself dating a string of unsuitable partners. As certified love coach James C. Green says, “I can almost promise you that in every one of those scenarios there was a past breakup that made these people feel like they don’t deserve someone as good as they are.” That’s a heartbreaking reason.
5. Your Childhood Experiences Are Influencing You
If you were exposed to a lot of emotional volatility or conflict while growing up—in any form—you might unconsciously invite that same energy into your adult relationships. As author and behaviorist Robin H-C notes, this is particularly true for people who have been hurt but have not yet processed their emotional history.
6. You Find High-Intensity People Intriguing
No one would ever accuse a high-drama partner of being boring, so it’s logical that people find them attractive. This is especially true if you’ve always been very structured and “safe,” life coach Hollie Chambers, MSW, tells me. Not only will you be charmed by your partner’s unpredictability, but they might even inspire you to try something new yourself. And that novelty can be hard to resist.
7. You Struggle with Self-Worth
If you find yourself accepting challenging behavior, it might be rooted in low self-esteem. That’s because, as Trescott explains, being with someone who is rude or dismissive doesn’t actually make you feel much worse than you already do about yourself. While this is understandable, it’s not a dynamic you have to tolerate—especially if you can focus on building your confidence back up.
8. You Are Swayed by Superficial Charm
Challenging partners are often skilled at concealing their deeper issues. As dating expert Jill Bulluck tells me, they might try to compensate with immaculate style or a dazzling personality. So, it’s really not surprising that you find them attractive, as that is precisely their goal.
9. You Are Addicted to the Pursuit
The excitement of a fresh relationship is certainly fun, but it’s even more thrilling when it involves “conquering” someone who seems unattainable. This is often the case with high-intensity partners, Trescott notes, because they are so unpredictable. This also circles back to the self-esteem issue. “By being with someone who is a ’10,’ or just out of your reach, you feel like for once you have proof that you’ve made it… that you are more than you once were, that you are, in fact, enough.” While the feeling may be false, it’s a self-esteem boost that is difficult to ignore.
10. The Pattern Has Become Your Norm
If you’ve spent a long time dating high-intensity individuals, it can start to feel normal, Bruch tells me. The relationship dynamics become familiar, you learn coping mechanisms, and before long, you’re stuck in a pattern that feels impossible to break.
11. You Crave Emotional Turbulence
Drama can be deeply addictive, both emotionally and chemically. So don’t be surprised if you feel “alive” when dating someone volatile, relationship expert Rhonda Milrad tells me. Once you become accustomed to the high drama, you might even start to perceive “normal” people as dull—leading you right back into the familiar cycle.
12. Your Personality Draws Them In
Some people unknowingly attract challenging partners like moths to a flame, which may explain why you can’t seem to escape them. “Empaths, co-dependents, or people who are ‘fixers’ are certainly more susceptible to attracting someone who may have toxic qualities; such as narcissism,” says psychotherapist Iman L. Khan, MS, LPC. Without even trying, your sweet and understanding nature is reeling them in, leading to one difficult situation after the next.
If this describes your life, breaking the cycle is absolutely possible. For a start, look for a partner who isn’t your usual “type,” Odessky suggests—even if they seem overly stable or “boring.” If that feels impossible, seek professional help. Talking through your past emotional experiences may be the key to ensuring a better, healthier future.
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