This all-too-common dating scenario for a moment: You’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks, and everything seems to be clicking. You genuinely like them and feel optimistic that this connection could develop into something serious. The catch? They mention their former partner’s name far too often, or perhaps you catch them frequently checking their ex’s social media profiles. It makes you uneasy, and you’re unsure how to proceed. There are definite indications that a person hasn’t fully moved past an old relationship, and recognizing these warning signs can reveal whether or not the person you’re dating is still emotionally attached to someone else.
But should it truly matter if your new partner hasn’t completely gotten over their ex before they start a relationship with you? Irene Fehr, a sex and intimacy coach, believes it absolutely does. She notes that “The emotional energy spent on wondering, reminiscing, or contemplating ‘what if’ scenarios or ‘what should have been’ with an ex is energy that is unavailable for a current partner.”
Fehr also stresses the fundamental necessity of emotional availability, stating, “If you want to be fully involved with this individual, it’s vital that they are emotionally available and ready to fall in love with you. When they remain preoccupied or emotionally tied to an ex, it creates a dynamic that includes a ‘third party,’ which can be defined as anything or anyone that interferes with the couple’s ability to connect deeply and build intimacy.” If you observe any of the following patterns in your partner’s conduct, you might be dating someone who hasn’t moved on, and it may be time to reassess the status of your relationship.
01. Unresolved Resentment: When They Can’t Stop Reliving the Past
If a person hasn’t gotten closure from their previous relationship, they may still harbor significant distress about how it concluded. “They continue to complain about their ex and what they did or didn’t do, and that discussion carries a heavy emotional charge: anger, sadness, resentment, or bitterness,” Fehr explains. “They are stuck wishing the situation was different and simply cannot move past it.”
Recovering from a breakup is painful, and genuine healing takes time. However, if the person you’re seeing can’t seem to put the past to rest, they are likely still fixated on their ex. This suggests it might be necessary to have a frank conversation. After all, they won’t be able to open their heart fully to you if they are constantly tangled in the drama of a previous love.
02. Maintaining Close Ties: The Ex Who Is Still A Permanent Fixture
People hold varying views on whether or not it’s wise to remain on friendly terms with an ex. While everyone is entitled to their own approach, Fehr suggests that someone who keeps up frequent contact with an old partner might be doing so because they aren’t prepared to fully let go. She notes, “They still communicate with the ex, either in person or through platforms like social media, and discuss details about their current lives. The ex remains a prominent figure in their thoughts and mind.”
This isn’t to imply that anyone who is friends with an ex is incapable of giving you the relationship you deserve; that’s often not the situation at all. It is certainly possible to maintain a friendship with an ex while being completely available for a new partner. Nonetheless, you will sense when that continued connection feels too intense for comfort, especially if the separation is recent and the former couple is meeting up or communicating often without you involved.
03. Digital Digging: Habitually Checking Their Ex’s Online Activity
If you ever happen to glance at your date’s phone screen and notice they are scrolling through their ex’s social media feed, it could mean they are still emotionally attached, according to clinician and behavioral scientist Clarissa Silva. She suggests that routinely checking up on a former partner online is generally unhealthy. “This only stalls their own personal growth because it fills their mental space with constant updates on the ex’s location and activities,” she says.
It’s probably not a concern if your partner simply follows their ex on a social network. However, if they are obsessively monitoring the account or actively interacting with that person’s content, then a discussion is probably warranted. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow, “The constant reminders of the person, the need to track their life, prevents us from properly grieving the end of the relationship. The result is being stuck in limbo between being with them and moving on.”
04. Distant Memories: When Their Thoughts Pull Them Away
This sign might be challenging to detect if your relationship is still in the early stages, but if they haven’t moved on from an ex, thoughts of that person may frequently distract them. “Especially if the person recently ended their previous relationship, they might be continually reminded of shared good times—or difficult ones,” Fehr comments. “It might feel as though every moment or place triggers some memory. They may bring it up, or you might simply feel them become emotionally unavailable and lost in that memory.”
Sometimes, your only indicator is your gut feeling. If you sense that your partner is growing distant, they might be caught up thinking about their ex. Try to avoid making immediate accusations (however tempting it is). Instead, when your significant other seems remote, gently try to pull them back by asking, “What’s currently on your mind?” If they avoid giving an answer, there could be a reason.
05. The Comparison Trap: Using an Ex as the Standard
A powerful indicator that someone hasn’t let go of their ex is when they begin holding their new partner up to a benchmark based entirely on the previous relationship. There are plenty of normal relationship dealbreakers—like clashing with close friends or family—but if your current date gets annoyed because you ordered a drink that was their ex’s favorite, or remarks, “My ex would never wear that,” that should be a major warning sign.
Author and love coach Susan Winter previously shared that while having a healthy “gratitude for a positive past love affair” is normal and fine, it’s unhealthy for someone to measure every new person they meet against their former flame. She states, “Carrying a torch for an ex prevents us from finding future love. Idealizing a past partner eliminates the possibility of anyone new truly entering our lives.”
06. Constant Conversation: The Ex Who Dominates Every Topic
Finally, a person who never stops talking about their ex is almost certainly not over them. “Their former partner becomes their favorite subject,” Silva explains. “When an individual is struggling to move past a previous partner, they often endlessly reminisce about the relationship.” However, there’s a clear distinction between occasionally reflecting fondly and obsessively dwelling on it to the extent that everyone around them hears every detail of the former relationship. That kind of conversation is never pleasant to endure.
Trina Leckie, host of the breakup BOOST podcast, agrees, asserting that someone hasn’t moved on “if they frequently talk about their ex, introduce their ex into conversations, or become emotional when discussing them.” Furthermore, Leckie adds that if they make comparisons between you and their ex—whether regarding intimate behavior, shared interests, or life details (e.g., “Oh! My ex attended that same school,” or “My ex always enjoyed it when I did [insert intimate act] for them.”)—they are likely not over the relationship.
If you conclude that the person you’re dating hasn’t moved past their ex, Leckie advises taking a break. She recommends that you “inform them that you are not interested in dating someone who hasn’t moved on from their previous relationship. Wish them the best and focus on meeting others who are in the right emotional space and looking for the same things you are.”
You don’t necessarily have to terminate the relationship just because they haven’t moved on, but it’s crucial to at least open a discussion about it. Silva suggests you “gently point out that when they do [mention their ex], they are only recalling the parts of the relationship that involve companionship.” She warns that this fixation “is also preventing them from truly forming a new bond with anyone.”
Moving on from a past partner is not easy, but if someone hasn’t processed their previous relationship and yet wants to begin a new one with you, it’s probably best to clarify the situation first. After all, you deserve a partner who is just as invested in you as you are in them, and that can’t happen if their mind is constantly fixated on their ex.
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