The human heart and desire are often unpredictable forces, leading to the familiar but complex belief that you can’t control who you fall in love with. But does this same principle apply when making a deliberate choice about an intimate partner? Just because you are physically or emotionally drawn to someone, does that automatically mean you should try your hardest to share a moment of physical closeness with them, especially if they are already committed?
For the vast majority of people, the sight of a wedding band on a person’s ring finger is a clear, definitive boundary—enough to pause, stop flirting, and dismiss any thought of casual or sustained connection with them. But for a significant number of others, knowing the person is married is not a deterrent; it is, in fact, part of the allure and the driving motivation.
These eight candid accounts from women who chose to become physically involved with partners already married offer profound, often conflicting insights into the deep emotional, psychological, and situational reasons behind this painful choice. They expose motivations that are rarely discussed openly: the rush of danger, the false promise of commitment, the desire for perceived maturity, and the complex ethics of being the one who is pursued.
I. The Psychology of the Forbidden: Ego, Excitement, and Self-Worth
Many affairs are driven by the psychological energy derived from the taboo—the sense of risk and the validation of attracting someone who is “off-limits.”
1. The Rush of Danger (The Thrill of the Taboo)
For some, the knowledge that the relationship is forbidden provides the primary fuel for the connection. The risk itself is the intoxicating factor.
- The Forbidden Memory: One woman confessed: “I enjoyed the excitement of sharing physical closeness with a partner I knew was already married… I liked knowing that our actions were so forbidden and that it would never become more than what it was: an affair I will always remember.” The relationship is valued precisely because it has an expiration date and operates outside the moral confines of society. The experience is framed as a thrilling, non-committal adventure that boosts the ego.
- The Thrill of the Chase: For another woman, the fact that the partner was unobtainable was the most potent aphrodisiac: “It was thrilling to imagine we might get caught… The fact that I could never possess them made them even more attractive to me. I thrived on the chase.” The attraction becomes intrinsically linked to the challenge, not the person itself. The act of “winning” them, even temporarily, validates her own desirability.
4. Drawn to the Forbidden (Perceived Maturity)
Affairs can sometimes be motivated by a desire for a partner who seems to offer a more stable, mature presence than available single individuals.
- Distinguished and Mature: One account noted, “What appealed to me about being with a married partner was that they seemed more distinguished and mature than the single ‘players’ I knew.” The wedding band often serves as an unintentional status symbol, signaling commitment, stability, and success—qualities the single dating pool may appear to lack. The casual meeting is elevated, in the mind of the participant, from brief encounter to a meaningful, sophisticated “experience.”
II. The Trap of Deceit and Emotional Isolation
Affairs rooted in the promise of a future often involve long-term emotional damage, as one partner manipulates the other with false hope.
3. False Promises of Commitment (The Hope Trap)
This is one of the most common and damaging motivations: the belief that the married partner will actually leave their spouse. The relationship is entered into not for excitement, but for a desired future.
- The Investment of Time: One woman shared, “I was one of those women who was misled into thinking the married partner would leave their spouse for me. I genuinely believed it—that’s why I became intimate with them and why I fell for them.” She invested two years, listening to the monthly promises of an imminent divorce. “By the second year, I finally understood that they never would, and I was never going to have them exclusively.” This realization marks the moment the affair transitions from hope to a painful, unsustainable emotional isolation. The affair was rooted in a future that never materialized.
8. A Regretted Choice (Guilt and Self-Reproach)
Not all choices are rooted in rationalized desire; some are simple, profound mistakes fueled by proximity, vulnerability, and a sudden lapse in judgment, leading to immense guilt.
- The Sequence of Events: One woman confessed her regret over a married colleague: “I developed a crush on a married colleague, and one thing eventually led to another. It’s difficult to explain the sequence of events, but it happened.” The resulting guilt was immense because she understood her role in the destruction: “I participated in the destruction of their marriage. He helped ruin it, but I played a role in tearing it apart.” This self-reproach is the psychological cost of violating one’s own moral code, leading to long-term emotional scars.
III. Situational Ethics and The Pursuit Dynamic
Some accounts attempt to rationalize the action through situational ethics, particularly by focusing on the guilt of the partner or the principle of mutual misconduct.
7. The Justification of Being Pursued (Shifting Responsibility)
One psychological defense mechanism is to shift the ethical burden entirely onto the married partner by framing the relationship as a response to being sought out, rather than an active choice.
- The Principle of Jeopardy: One woman argued: “In a peculiar way, I didn’t see sharing a physical moment with a married partner as wrong because they were the one pursuing me. I was never the one asking to connect. They were the one willing to jeopardize their marriage, not me.” While it is true the married partner holds the primary responsibility for the marital contract, this justification attempts to absolve the other party of any moral agency in the decision to engage in the affair.
5. Mutual Marital Misconduct (The Guilt Offset)
In rarer cases, both parties in the affair are married, leading to a diminished sense of guilt through shared transgression.
- Shared Betrayal: One account noted, “I ended up having an affair with my neighbor while they were married and I was too. I didn’t feel as much guilt since both of us were simultaneously betraying our marriages.” The shared guilt of mutual betrayal acts as an offset, making the action feel less morally severe. The ultimate irony, however, is that this shared bond of betrayal rarely translates into a stable future relationship: “We both eventually got divorced but never actually ended up together.”
IV. The Shock of the Unforeseen Reality
Not every affair begins with intention; sometimes the realization of the betrayal comes after the fact, leading to feelings of disgust and self-reproach.
2. A Shocking Discovery (The Aftermath of Deceit)
Affairs can begin casually, only for one partner to discover the true, concealed status of the other too late.
- The Wedding Photo Reveal: One woman described meeting a partner at a bar and sharing a physical connection, only to discover their marital status the following morning via the partner’s phone background—a wedding picture. The partner’s lack of reaction upon confrontation (“It seemed to be a frequent behavior”) suggested a life defined by casual, continuous deceit. The resulting emotional cocktail was complex: “I felt disgust toward both them and myself.” The disgust toward the partner was for the moral failure; the disgust toward herself was for the unwitting participation.
6. The Outcome of a Challenge (The Trivialization of Vows)
In one of the most trivializing accounts, the affair was initiated solely on a dare, reducing the sanctity of the partner’s marriage to a mere competitive exercise.
- The Holiday Party Conquest: A woman was dared by a friend to pursue her attractive, married boss. The woman accepted the challenge, making her move at the company holiday party. The resulting intimate encounter was a one-time conquest: “We were intimate once and then never spoke or saw each other again.” This account illustrates the painful reality that for some, the marriage of the other party is viewed as an obstacle to be overcome, validating the pursuit partner’s ego rather than valuing the partner as an individual.
The emotional truth behind why some women enter into affairs with married partners is never singular. It is a complex mixture of psychological need, ego validation, hope, curiosity, and situational factors. These candid accounts underscore the reality that the decision to engage in infidelity, whether as the initiating partner or the pursuing party, inevitably carries a high cost of guilt, shame, and often, profound disappointment. The only consistent result is the devastating impact of deceit on the self and on the lives of others.
Trending In Relationships:
- Science Says Yes: Morning Sex is Proven to Be Great for Your Health and Will Improve Your Entire Day
- Confidence and Charm: Mastering the Subtle Art of Making Women Chase You
- The Silent Signal: What Your Partner’s Back-to-Back Sleep Position Really Says About Your Relationship
- Protect Your Peace: The 9 Subtle Habits of Toxic People You Need to Recognize Now
- 7 Things Women Secretly Wish Men Would Do in Bed
- Try These Tonight: 10 Cunnilingus Positions That Will Take Pleasure to a New Level
- Self-Care and Sex: 11 Important Reasons Married People Should Still Masturbate
Leave a Comment