The ties we form in life are complex, but the transition from romantic partnership back to platonic friendship is one of the most psychologically intricate challenges a couple can face. My parents, for instance, exemplified this unusual fluidity: they were the best of friends before they ever started dating, and after two years of seeing each other and seven years of marriage, they chose to end their romantic relationship. At that point, their connection simply and seamlessly reverted back to the original, deep best friendship they had shared years earlier. They maintained a functional, loving, and supportive platonic relationship, providing a stable foundation for their family.
Because of this specific, successful experience, that kind of arrangement was perfectly normal and unquestioned while I was growing up. However, as I grew older, dated, and experienced the emotional complexities of modern relationships, the question, “Can you actually be friends with an ex-partner?” began to feel far more complicated, often loaded with anxiety, guilt, and fear of renewed heartbreak. Is it genuinely advisable to attempt to remain friends, or does that only serve to create awkwardness, prolong the grieving process, and hinder the ability to move on? What if your ex was particularly unkind, toxic, or the source of profound emotional injury during the course of the relationship? The answer, according to contemporary psychological research, lies not in the mere fact of the friendship, but in the motivation driving its persistence.
The surprising truth is that maintaining a friendship after a romantic breakup is far more common than many people assume. According to Rebecca Griffith, a psychology master’s student at the University of Kansas, past research had already shown that the majority of people do remain friends after a relationship ends, at least initially. Apparently, about 60 percent of individuals maintain a friendship after a breakup, challenging the notion that total separation is the default, most functional outcome.
In a more recent, targeted study, Griffith and her team set out to identify the underlying reasons for this persistence. They surveyed over 170 men and 110 women using several detailed questionnaires to assess their post-breakup motivations and emotional experiences. The researchers then confirmed the accuracy and validity of their initial findings in a second, larger experiment involving almost 250 men and 300 women. Through these rigorous studies, the researchers successfully identified roughly four main, distinct reasons why people choose to maintain a friendship with their former romantic partners. Understanding these four motivations is crucial, as they serve as potent predictors of the friendship’s long-term success, emotional health, and stability. The findings unequivocally point toward a central theme: the less emotional the motivation behind the persistence, the more likely the friendship is to be positive and enduring.
I. The Emotional Drivers: Support, Stability, and Unresolved Feelings
The two motivations rooted in emotional needs are the most common, but also carry the highest risk for causing continued pain and confusion, as they blur the boundaries between romantic history and platonic future.
1. Seeking Emotional Stability and Support
The transition out of a relationship is often defined by a sudden, jarring loss of intimate communication, personalized support, and shared history. Researchers found that some people actively seek to keep their exes close purely for the sense of emotional security and deep familiarity they provide. This decision is driven by a genuine reluctance to lose the good advice, the personalized emotional support, or the high level of trust that was meticulously built over months or years of shared intimacy. This motivation acknowledges the person’s value outside the romantic context.
- The Comfort Factor: After investing significant time, the former partner often possesses an unparalleled, nuanced understanding of one’s anxieties, aspirations, and communication style. This makes them an invaluable source of easy, comfortable counsel. The person maintaining the friendship is trying to retain this emotional resource.
- The Emotional Toll: The study indicated that friendships based on this specific motivation tended to be quite positive on the surface, often leaving the former partners feeling happy and secure in the moment. However, and critically, this particular reason did not clearly predict whether the friendship would last a long time or quickly fade away. The emotional need, once met or transferred to a new partner, often removes the primary driver for maintaining the friendship, leading to a natural, slow withdrawal. The stability sought is often found to be transient.
2. Remaining Romantic Feelings (The Love Trap)
Finally, there is the most obvious, and most psychologically dangerous, reason of all for staying friends with a former partner: You are still actively in love with them. This motivation turns the friendship into a form of continuous, controlled proximity, fueled by the hope of reconciliation or simply the inability to tolerate complete emotional separation. The friendship is pursued not for platonic fulfillment, but as a strategy to maintain contact with a desired object.
- Negative Emotional Association: Unsurprisingly, the study found these kinds of friendships were strongly associated with the most intensely negative emotions—such as chronic heartbreak, persistent depression, intense jealousy triggered by the ex’s new romantic interests, and a generalized inability to move forward with life. The emotional benefit of communication is consistently outweighed by the pain of unresolved romantic longing.
- The Longevity Paradox: However, and rather interestingly, friendships driven by lingering romantic feelings also resulted in longer-lasting friendships than those driven by the need for emotional support. Griffith explained this paradox: “Even though you’re not reaping any benefits from the friendship, you tend to stay in [it] longer.” This behavior reflects a psychological inability to fully accept the loss, clinging to the friendship as the last tether to the former relationship. While durable, these relationships are typically detrimental to the emotional health of the person harboring the romantic feelings.
II. The Unemotional Drivers: Civility and Logical Necessity
The motivations rooted in practical necessity or simple social grace are far less emotionally taxing and, consequently, create a far more stable basis for a sustained friendship.
3. Practical Considerations Require It (The Functional Bond)
Sometimes, the circumstances surrounding the separation make the maintenance of a friendship an absolute, logical necessity rather than an emotional desire. Consequently, many participants reported maintaining a friendship because it was deemed the most practical, sensible, and functional action available to them.
- Shared Commitments: As exemplified by my parents’ situation, there are simply too many shared commitments that make not being friends unfeasible. Griffith told Live Science that people who share children (requiring co-parenting and schedule coordination) or other significant joint financial obligations (like property or shared business ventures) are the most likely to stay friends for these practical reasons.
- Success and Stability: In the study, this motivation was found to be one of the strongest indicators of a long-lasting, healthy, and positive friendship. When the relationship is sustained by mutual need, clear objectives, and logistics, the ambiguity and emotional risk are significantly reduced. The focus shifts from the personal history to the shared future responsibility.
4. A Desire to Be Kind and Civil (The Social Contract)
In some instances, the desire to maintain friendship is driven by the simplest of social graces: a determination to be kind, civil, and mature. You remain friends with your ex simply because you want to avoid hurting them by abruptly cutting off the connection entirely, or because you wish to maintain a respectful social contract.
- Altruism and Image: Griffith explained to Live Science that this motivation is often rooted in an altruistic desire not to inflict unnecessary pain on the former partner. It can also be driven by the desire to maintain a socially acceptable, mature image among shared friends or in a workplace.
- Predictor of Health: According to the study, this reason, along with maintaining a friendship for practical purposes, leads to the most successful types of post-breakup friendships. The commitment to civility establishes a firm, non-romantic boundary, which is the cornerstone of effective platonic relationships.
III. Conclusion: The Success Ratio
The scientific investigation into post-breakup friendships clearly reveals two distinct, broad categories of motivation: those driven by emotional needs (you still need their support or you are still romantically interested) and those that are driven by unemotional, external factors (you are trying to be civil or keeping things together for the kids/shared assets).
The resounding conclusion drawn by Griffith and her team is that the less emotional the motivation behind the friendship, the more likely it is to be a successful and positive one. Friendships based on practical necessity and sincere civility provide clear, functional rules that limit vulnerability and manage expectations. Conversely, friendships sustained by unresolved romantic feelings or a dependency on emotional support are often characterized by prolonged heartbreak and stunted personal growth.
The choice to remain friends with an ex is a deeply personal decision, but the data suggests that before making that choice, a person should conduct a rigorous self-assessment: is the motivation about your emotional well-being, or is it about a mature, logical necessity? The answer to that question will likely determine whether the “friendship” is a genuine bond or merely an extended period of unresolved grief.
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