Things You Should Never Tolerate Hearing From Your Partner

The distinction between a temporary lapse in judgment and a destructive pattern of behavior is crucial in any relationship. Everyone slips up now and then and says things they don’t truly mean. Maybe you snap when you’re utterly exhausted after a long day, or your partner gets a little snarky when they’re stressed out by work or financial pressure. That is totally normal—and usually forgivable—as long as both of you are capable of offering a genuine apology and committing to move forward constructively.

However, some phrases should never be tolerated if you want to maintain a healthy, loving, and secure relationship. I’m talking about words that are specifically designed to hurt, that hit where they know it hurts most, or that fundamentally threaten the security of the relationship itself. These kinds of comments are not like small slip-ups; they leave psychological bruises that can stick with you for days, weeks, or even years, profoundly altering your sense of self-worth and safety.

As licensed marriage and family therapist Lisa Locke, MS, tells Bustle, words, once spoken, cannot be truly taken back. When someone repeatedly throws out hurtful, demeaning, or threatening phrases, it can irrevocably change the way you see your partner and your relationship forever.

If things have gotten that intense and the behavior is chronic, it’s absolutely okay to walk away immediately. But if you genuinely want to try to save the relationship, it is often possible—but only if both partners become acutely aware of the harm, possess a deep desire to change, and commit to practicing new, healthier ways of communicating. As Locke explains, healing can happen, and those negative cycles can break, but only with mutual effort and intentionality.

I. Phrases That Undermine Self-Worth and Emotional Safety

These comments attack a person’s core identity, intelligence, or emotional validity, creating an atmosphere of chronic insecurity.

1. “You’re so needy”

This is one of the most common and subtle forms of emotional invalidation. Calling your partner “needy” when they reach out to ask for simple support, reassurance, or quality time is profoundly hurtful and dismissive of their legitimate emotional requirements.

The Problem: This phrase places a negative label on a fundamental human need for connection. It implies that your partner is burdensome or demanding simply for seeking the connection inherent in a relationship.
The Healthy Response: A healthy relationship is defined by balancing independence with mutual care and reliance. If one partner feels the other is excessively “needy,” it’s crucial to discuss the balance of energy and time openly and find a constructive, fair way to meet each other’s needs without using shame as a weapon.

2. “That’s so stupid”

Insulting your partner’s intelligence, opinions, or ideas can deeply and irrevocably damage their self-worth. It tells them their perspective is not only wrong but fundamentally beneath consideration.

The Problem: This comment escalates a disagreement into a personal attack, making the partner feel intellectually dismissed and disrespected. Over time, it can lead the victim to stop contributing ideas or opinions entirely out of fear of ridicule.
The Boundary: If your partner says this, you must set an immediate, firm boundary and explain precisely why that specific language is unacceptable. Sometimes, people are unaware of how hurtful their language sounds, but they can—and must—change with honest, clear communication.

3. “Are you really wearing that?”

Comments that shame your appearance, style, or physical choices are incredibly crushing to confidence, especially when they come from the one person you trust most to find you desirable and beautiful.

The Problem: These remarks cross the line into subtle body-shaming or judgment of personal expression. They suggest that your partner’s approval is conditional on conforming to their aesthetic standards.
The Boundary: If such remarks make you uncomfortable or insecure, be clear that body-shaming, criticism of natural features, or judgment of personal style is off limits and will not be tolerated, as it damages the intimacy that relies on acceptance.

4. “You’re nothing like [ex’s name]”

Comparing you unfavorably to an ex, a friend, or anyone else is a profoundly toxic behavior that strikes at the heart of self-esteem and fosters crippling insecurity.

The Problem: It sends a destructive message: “You are not good enough as you are, and I am still measuring you against someone else.” This behavior immediately creates a competitive, insecure environment.
The Rule: Caring, mature partners instinctively avoid comparisons because they understand it damages trust, fosters resentment, and fundamentally disrespects the unique value of the person they are with. You should be celebrated for who you are, not measured against a ghost.

5. “You suck at that”

Name-calling, aggressive teasing, and shaming a partner’s ability at a hobby, job, or domestic task can severely erode their self-esteem and crosses the line into emotional abuse.

The Problem: While isolated, heat-of-the-moment hurtful comments might be forgivable with a sincere apology, repeated verbal degradation and name-calling are not things you should ever accept. They signal a profound lack of respect and empathy.
The Line: If the name-calling is persistent, malicious, or specifically targets known insecurities, it is a definitive sign of an abusive dynamic that warrants immediate intervention or exit.

II. Phrases That Destroy Trust and Accountability

These comments are designed to manipulate the narrative, avoid responsibility, or threaten the relationship’s fundamental security.

6. “That’s it, we’re breaking up”

Threatening to end the relationship or explicitly saying “That’s it, we’re breaking up” during arguments is a highly destructive and manipulative behavior.

The Problem: This tactic plants deep, lasting insecurity in the partner and shows a fundamental lack of commitment to the relationship’s stability. It uses the partner’s fear of loss as a lever to win the current fight or force compliance.
The Resolution: Couples must find healthier, more mature ways to handle high emotions and conflicts without throwing ultimatums around. A secure partner communicates a commitment to working through the problem, not a threat to abandon the relationship when things get difficult.

7. “You’re such a liar”

Accusing your partner of lying during a conflict can instantly destroy trust and make communication permanently toxic, even if the accusation is later retracted.

The Problem: If there is a genuine, persistent issue of trust, it must be approached with calm, open, and deliberate conversation, possibly mediated by a professional. Throwing the phrase “You’re such a liar” into a fight prevents any mature resolution and turns the focus into an accusation of moral corruption, which is nearly impossible to recover from without significant damage.

8. “It’s all your fault”

Blaming your partner for everything, from a flat tire to an argument, is a classic maneuver to avoid personal accountability and can quickly become a manipulative tactic.

The Problem: Healthy relationships rely on shared responsibility and the understanding that both partners contribute to problems. A partner who always shifts the blame onto you is refusing to take ownership of their actions or behaviors.
The Warning: If your partner consistently refuses to take any accountability for their role in the relationship’s difficulties, it is a significant warning sign of immaturity and manipulative intent that warrants serious reconsideration of the long-term viability of the relationship.

9. “I’ll tell you how you feel”

Your feelings, emotions, and bodily sensations are yours alone to own, validate, and express. A partner should never invalidate or dictate how you feel physically, emotionally, or psychologically.

The Problem: Phrases like “You’re not really angry, you’re just tired,” or “You don’t really feel that way, you’re just being dramatic,” are acts of emotional gaslighting. They deny your subjective experience, forcing you to doubt your own internal state.
The Rule: Respecting each other’s subjective emotions and honoring the partner’s internal reality are non-negotiable keystones of a healthy, secure connection.

III. What to Do When the Line is Crossed

If you find yourself in a relationship where these comments happen often, remember this core truth: Your feelings are valid, and you absolutely deserve respect and emotional security.

Setting Immediate Boundaries

If a partner uses one of these unacceptable phrases, you must stop the conversation immediately and clearly state the boundary:

“Stop. We are not going to talk about this if you use language that insults my intelligence or threatens our relationship. I need you to apologize for calling me [X] and commit to communicating respectfully. If you can’t do that, this conversation is over.”

The Path to Healing or Exit

Seek External Validation: If the pattern continues, seeking help from a counselor or licensed therapist is a crucial step. A neutral third party can help you recognize the toxic dynamics and regain your sense of self-trust.
Rely on Your Support Network: Talk to trusted friends or family members. They can offer an objective perspective that counters the confusion and isolation the abusive language is designed to create.
Evaluate Intent: If your partner shows genuine remorse, acknowledges the harm, and demonstrates a consistent commitment to changing the behavior (often through therapy), healing and saving the relationship is possible. If they are defensive, minimize the comments, or refuse to acknowledge the abuse, the behavior will not stop, and it may be time to prioritize your well-being by choosing to walk away.

Things You Should Never Tolerate Hearing From Your Partner