Why do I no longer make my son say ‘Thank You’ or ‘Sorry’

The complex, often overwhelming job of parenting rarely follows a single, universally accepted manual. Each parent develops a distinct, personalized style, and opinions—solicited or otherwise—are abundant. In recent years, a quiet revolution has been unfolding in parenting philosophy, moving away from rigid, compliance-based discipline and toward methods rooted in empathy, emotional intelligence, and non-traditional understanding.

One proud member of this tribe, a 38-year-old mother named Emma, asserts that choosing to defy conventional parenting norms has profoundly changed her life and her relationship with her eight-year-old son, Georgie. Emma’s controversial decision to no longer force Georgie to say the socially obligatory phrases—‘Thank You’ or ‘Sorry’—has sparked intense debate online, forcing a critical examination of how we teach gratitude, accountability, and genuine emotional expression.

This approach is not about raising a child who is rude or lacks remorse; it is a conscious effort to adopt a parenting style that prioritizes authentic, felt understanding over superficial, rote compliance. Emma is dedicated to creating an atmosphere where Georgie can flourish, feel heard, and develop into his greatest, most self-aware self by approaching morality from a deeply empathetic perspective.

I. The Dilemma of Compliance: Why Conventional Rules Fall Short

Emma’s contentious decision to abandon the required use of ‘Thank You’ and ‘Sorry’ challenges the core mechanisms through which society traditionally socializes children. To understand her choice, one must first examine why many modern psychologists and parents find fault with forced compliance.

The Problem with Forced ‘Sorry’

Forcing a child to say “I’m sorry” immediately after a conflict, particularly when they are still emotionally activated (angry, defensive, or upset), often achieves the opposite of its intended goal.

Rote Memorization, Not Remorse: When a child is compelled to apologize, the act becomes a mere rote recitation—a behavioral shortcut to avoid punishment or escape an uncomfortable situation. The child learns to prioritize external compliance over internal reflection. They have satisfied the adult requirement without feeling a shred of genuine remorse or understanding the impact of their actions on the other person.
Invalidating Feelings: Demanding an immediate apology often invalidates the strong feelings that drove the action in the first place (e.g., anger, frustration, jealousy). A child who is forced to apologize before they have processed their emotion learns that their feelings are unacceptable and must be suppressed, not managed.
The Goal is Empathy: For conscious parents like Emma, the true goal is not the word “sorry,” but the development of empathy—the capacity to understand another person’s hurt. This requires time, reflection, and guided conversation, not immediate, mandated submission.

The Flaw in Forced ‘Thank You’

Similarly, insisting a child mechanically say “Thank you” for every gift or act of service can undermine the very meaning of gratitude.

The Performative Act: When “Thank you” is mandatory, it becomes a performative act designed to please the adult (or the giver), rather than a genuine expression of appreciation. If a child is forced to say the words when they genuinely dislike a gift or feel confused by the gesture, they learn to equate polite deception with social grace.
The Meaning of Gratitude: True gratitude is a complex, internal emotional state. Emma’s approach seeks to cultivate a genuine feeling of appreciation that is demonstrated through actions, eye contact, tone, and future kindness, rather than relying on the single, required phrase. The goal is to raise a person who feels thankful, not one who simply says thankful words on command.

II. Emma’s Unorthodox Approach: Empathy Over Punishment

Emma’s philosophy—a hallmark of “understanding and empathic” parenting—is centered on addressing the root cause of the behavior and fostering emotional literacy in Georgie. She views conflict as a teaching moment, not a reason for immediate penalty.

1. Guiding Genuine Accountability (Instead of ‘Sorry’)

When Georgie acts out or hurts someone, Emma does not leap to demanding an apology. Instead, she employs a methodical approach designed to build intrinsic accountability:

Calm Down First: The first step is always to ensure Georgie is regulated—calm enough to think. No meaningful conversation can occur while a child is in a state of high emotional distress.
Guided Reflection: Emma then gently guides Georgie through the consequences of his actions using reflective language: “When you snatched the toy from Leo, how did his face look? What did his body language tell you? How do you think that made him feel inside?” This line of questioning forces Georgie to connect his action directly to the other person’s emotional state.
Choosing Reparation: Only after Georgie understands the hurt does Emma invite him to choose an appropriate reparation. This might be: “What can you do now to help Leo feel better?” The solution might be helping Leo rebuild his tower, offering him the next turn, or simply sitting beside him. When Georgie chooses to say sorry from a place of genuine understanding, the word holds true weight.

2. Fostering Felt Appreciation (Instead of ‘Thank You’)

Rather than demanding verbal thanks for every meal or gift, Emma focuses on fostering an environment where Georgie understands the effort and cost behind the gesture.

Connecting Effort to Value: When Georgie receives a gift, Emma might ask, “Look how much time your Aunt took to choose this for you. What do you appreciate most about her effort?” or “Mommy worked hard to make this dinner. What part of the meal makes you feel loved or cared for?” This links the object or service to the labor, time, and emotion invested by the giver.
Modeling Gratitude: Emma’s most effective tool is modeling. She makes sure to loudly, specifically, and genuinely express gratitude to Georgie and Luke for their small efforts. She thanks the server at a restaurant and the bus driver, showing Georgie what authentic, non-mandated appreciation looks like.

III. The Challenges and Rewards of Defying Convention

Emma’s decision to move away from traditional compliance is not easy. It generates significant pushback, particularly from older generations and traditional parenting groups online.

The Difficulties of the Unfamiliar

Emma uses online forums like ours to openly discuss her “contentious parenting decisions” and often receives criticism:

Social Judgment: The most frequent difficulty is navigating social judgment. When Georgie fails to offer an immediate “Thank you” for a gift, the giver often perceives a lack of manners, reflecting poorly on Emma. Emma must often intercept these moments, explaining her philosophy and defending her son’s process.
Time Commitment: This style of parenting requires significantly more time and emotional effort. It is much faster to demand an apology than to guide an eight-year-old through a five-minute discussion about empathy and consequence. Emma must always be present and emotionally regulated to execute this method successfully.

The Joy of Authentic Connection

Despite the challenges, Emma’s steadfast dedication to compassion and understanding has shaped Georgie’s upbringing in profoundly positive ways:

High Emotional Literacy: Georgie is developing a strong capacity for emotional literacy. He can articulate why he is upset and can often genuinely apologize without prompting because he truly understands the harm caused.
Intrinsic Motivation: By removing the reward/punishment system from morality, Emma ensures that Georgie develops an intrinsic motivation to be kind, not just compliant. He is learning to act ethically because it feels right, not because he is ordered to.

Emma wants to provide an atmosphere where Georgie may flourish, feel heard, and develop into his greatest, most authentic self. Her journey is a testament to the belief that defying conventional parenting can lead to contented and self-assured kids who understand that their feelings are valid, but their actions still have consequences for others.