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She Gave Her Boyfriend 22 Strict Rules — and the Internet Lost Its Mind

3 years ago
7 min read

The concept of a controlling partner is familiar, but the viral list of 22 rules, allegedly written by an anonymous girlfriend for her lover, takes the idea of dominance to a shocking and alarming extreme. Discovered by a Twitter user in a traded-in car, this document quickly became a global cautionary tale, illustrating the psychological blueprint of a profoundly toxic and emotionally abusive relationship.

The sheer length and audacity of the list, which stripped the boyfriend of nearly all autonomy—barring him from essential social contact, personal choices, and even simple communication freedom—elicited a fierce, unified reaction across social media. The consensus was swift and urgent: the boyfriend must immediately break off the relationship. As one commenter wrote, “If you have to preserve possible evidence about your girlfriend, you have the wrong girlfriend. Just walk away.”

This extraordinary document serves as a powerful, real-world lesson on the distinction between setting healthy boundaries and enacting coercive control, and why such behavior is fundamentally incompatible with love and mutual respect.

I. The Blueprint of Coercive Control: A Hierarchy of Rules

The list is not simply a set of preferences; it is a meticulously detailed contract of coercive control, designed to isolate the victim and establish the girlfriend as the sole authority in every aspect of his life. The rules can be broadly categorized into three stages of dominance.

Stage 1: Social Isolation and Suppression of Independence (Rules 1-8, 14, 15, 17, 18)

The initial phase of emotional abuse is always isolation, which cuts the victim off from external perspective and support, making them entirely dependent on the abuser’s reality.

  • Gendered Control (Rules 1, 2, 6, 7): The most immediate focus is on eliminating contact with all other women. He is NOT to have a single girl’s phone number and NOT to follow them on any social media. The extremity peaks with the rule: “You’re NOT to look at a single girl.” This is not just jealousy; it is the pathological suppression of basic human interaction, equating any glance or digital connection with infidelity.
    • The Mandate: If girls approach him, he is ordered to “WALK away,” removing his ability to handle a social situation normally, effectively branding him as controlled property.
  • Friendship Elimination (Rules 3, 5, 8, 15, 17, 18): The girlfriend systematically attempts to destroy his male friendships and control his time.
    • He is NOT to hang out with Keegan (singling out a specific perceived threat).
    • His friends are limited to “more than two times a week,” and if they move in, friends will “RARELY be allowed over.”
    • Rule 18 (“Austin does NOT CONTROL WHEN I HANG OUT WITH YOU!”) reveals the controlling partner sees any external schedule or person’s preference as a direct challenge to her authority.

Stage 2: Emotional and Lifestyle Dominance (Rules 4, 10, 11, 12)

These rules dictate personal behavior, managing his memory, emotional response, and chemical intake—controlling his internal world.

  • Controlling Recreation (Rules 4, 12): He is forbidden to go out to Honda without me ‘vroom vroom’ and is NOT allowed to drink unless I am with you. This removes his personal freedom to enjoy hobbies or consume alcohol socially, forcing complete dependency.
  • Emotional Censorship (Rules 10, 11): “You are NOT to get mad at me about a single thing ever again” is a stunning demand for the suppression of all negative emotion. Rule 11—“You’re NOT to bring up Tyler, Noah, Deven or Josh ever again”—attempts to censor his past relationships and memories, dictating his internal dialogue.

Stage 3: The Threat of Violence and Extreme Subservience (Rules 16, 20, 22, 21)

This final stage contains the most alarming elements, establishing total dominance through humiliation and the threat of physical harm.

  • The Threat of Homicide (Rule 16): The rule “If I catch you around girls I kill you” is not a hyperbolic statement; it is a direct threat of violence and homicide. This elevates the relationship beyond toxic control into a dangerously abusive domain where physical safety is explicitly compromised.
  • Total Submission (Rule 20): “If I say jump you say ‘How high princess’” is the definitive mandate of total subservience and humiliation. It strips the boyfriend of his dignity and reduces him to a compliant puppet.
  • Obsessive Communication (Rules 22, 21): The demand to NEVER take longer than 10 mins to text me back and to tell me you love me once a day at least reveals extreme obsessive anxiety, treating communication and affection as forced compliance rather than genuine sentiment.

II. The Psychological Anatomy of Emotional Abuse

The list exemplifies classic psychological red flags that define an emotionally abusive relationship, confirming the judgment of the anonymous commentators who called for his exit.

The Blurring of Boundaries and Coercion

A healthy relationship is defined by mutual boundaries—rules agreed upon by both partners to protect comfort. Coercive control is defined by unilateral dominance—rules imposed by one partner to destroy the other’s autonomy.

  • Boundary: “I need you to call me if you’ll be home later than 10 PM.” (Mutual safety, agreed upon.)
  • Coercion: “You are NOT allowed to drink unless I am with you.” (Unilateral restriction of personal freedom.)

The list demonstrates that the girlfriend views the boyfriend’s entire existence as an extension of her own needs and insecurities, violating every standard of healthy individuation.

Insecurity vs. Pathological Control

While the girlfriend’s behavior is rooted in deep insecurity (she fears abandonment and cheating), the expression of that insecurity is pathological control.

  • She uses fear and humiliation (Rule 20, Rule 16) to manage her anxiety, rather than using communication or trust.
  • The list is a desperate, flawed attempt to achieve emotional security through external restriction, which is impossible. True security comes from internal trust, which she lacks entirely.

The Problem of the “Cheating Defense”

Some online commentators speculated, “She sounds crazy but it also sounds like he cheated and she took him back.” While a past infidelity might explain the intense lack of trust, it does not justify the threat of violence or the extreme control.

  • If he cheated, the correct response is either to end the relationship or to engage in mutual therapy to rebuild trust.
  • Creating a 22-point contract of dominance is a form of punishment and enslavement, not a path to healing. It traps both partners in a cycle of resentment, paranoia, and abuse.

III. The Urgent Warning and the Public Response

The sheer extremity of the list resonated across the internet because it provided a perfect illustration of the dangers inherent in ignoring early red flags.

The Social Consensus on Danger

The unanimous public response—”Yikes, get a new girlfriend,” “OMGGG, you should run away she sounds weird and crazy”—reflects a social consensus that this behavior represents a clear and present danger.

  • “Run, Don’t Walk”: The advice to “Just walk away” is the correct advice because abusive relationships rarely improve with compliance. The abuser’s demands escalate as the victim’s autonomy decreases.
  • The Threat of Violence: The explicit threat of homicide (Rule 16) is the final, non-negotiable red flag. Any relationship that includes a threat of physical violence requires immediate and permanent withdrawal, often with the involvement of law enforcement or a safety network.

The final irony of the story is that the boyfriend’s attempt to trade in the car—and presumably move on—left behind the physical evidence of the control he was trying to escape. This list, intended to bind him to her, ultimately served as his public warning and a testament to the toxicity he desperately needed to escape.

This story must serve as a global reminder: True love is liberating, not restricting. Any partner who asks you to compromise your dignity, safety, or core relationships with family and friends is engaging in abuse.

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