Listen to the Dying: 5 Biggest Life Regrets Shared by a Nurse Who Was There

The professional world of the 21st century pushes us to stay at the very top of our game, demanding relentless focus, ambition, and efficiency, regardless of the career path we follow. We often fall into a routine that feels mechanical, driven by external expectations—leaving little space to truly notice the beauty, simplicity, or authenticity in everyday life.

Most of us don’t stop to truly observe our surroundings or reflect on the fundamental choices that shaped our past decisions—until we are forced to face the stark, irreversible reality of death. The final weeks of life, according to those who have witnessed them, bring an undeniable clarity where the true value of choices made (and unmade) is finally revealed.

Bronnie Ware, a palliative nurse who spent years alongside patients in their final weeks, meticulously documented the most common, heartbreaking regrets she heard. She eventually captured these universal insights in her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing.

“My patients were those who had gone home to die. I was with them during the last three to twelve weeks of their lives,” Ware recalled. When asked about their biggest regrets or what they would have done differently, five profound themes emerged again and again, defining a blueprint for a life lived without eventual remorse.

I. Regret #1: The Wish to Live Authentically

The most common and piercing regret was not over actions taken, but over the fundamental failure to be true to oneself. As life draws to a close, people reflect more on the opportunities they ignored than on the risks they took.

The Cost of External Validation

Ware noted a heartbreaking consistency: “Most people had not honored even half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made or not made.” This regret stems from a lifelong habit of sacrificing personal dreams, desires, and passions to meet the rigid expectations of others—whether parents, spouses, or society at large.

The Psychological Driver: The underlying fear is one of disappointment or judgment. Individuals spend decades constructing a persona that pleases others, only to realize in their final weeks that the life they lived was not their own. They prioritized external validation (being seen as successful, stable, or conventional) over internal authenticity (being genuinely fulfilled).
The Unexpressed Dreams: This leads to a life filled with “ghost” dreams—ideas for careers, travels, or creative pursuits that were abandoned out of caution. The regret is the knowledge that the failure to achieve these dreams was not due to inability, but due to self-censorship.
Actionable Step: To avoid this regret, you must actively define your personal values outside of external pressures. Make one small, consistent choice each week that honors a suppressed dream, proving to yourself that your authentic desire holds weight.

II. Regret #2: The Wish for More Family Time

The second most common regret, and one Ware noted was particularly prevalent among nearly every male patient she cared for, was the excessive prioritization of work and career at the expense of familial bonds.

The Illusion of Necessity

This regret highlights the destructive power of the modern work ethic, which often convinces individuals that their tireless dedication to their job—chasing recognition, wealth, or a higher title—is an absolute necessity.

The Emotional Cost: Chasing success while constantly missing out on family trips, school performances, and personal milestones often ends in deep disillusionment. The painful realization—recognized only when it’s too late to change—is that no one on their deathbed ever wishes they had spent more time at the office.
The Gender Imbalance: Ware’s observation about male patients underscores a historic gender imbalance where men often felt greater societal pressure to be the primary provider, equating self-worth entirely with professional success. They exchanged irreplaceable family moments for external, fleeting validation.
Actionable Step: Implement firm boundaries around family time. Define “hard stops” to the workday, such as the “6:00 PM Rule,” where work devices are put away entirely. Prioritize presence over participation—meaning you are physically and mentally engaged when with your family, not just physically present while mentally checking emails.

III. Regret #3: The Wish to Speak Honestly and Express Emotions

Many patients admitted they had consistently kept their true feelings hidden throughout their lives, primarily to avoid conflict, confrontation, or disappointing others.

The Health Cost of Silence

This regret highlights that internal silence is not peace; it is emotional warfare. Bottling up feelings creates deep, toxic psychological damage that can manifest physically.

The Emotional Backlog: This silence left patients with unfulfilled lives because their relationships were based on carefully curated lies of omission. In some cases, the years of suppressed resentment, anger, or sadness contributed to chronic health issues—the body literally struggling under the weight of unexpressed emotions.
The Fear of Conflict: Individuals failed to speak honestly because they fundamentally feared the potential loss or disappointment the truth might cause. They sacrificed their authenticity for a guarantee of relational stability—a guarantee that often proved false anyway, as resentment eventually corrodes even the strongest bonds.
Actionable Step: Practice assertive communication—stating your needs and feelings clearly and respectfully, without aggression. While we cannot control others’ responses to our truth, being honest often either strengthens relationships (if the partner can handle the truth) or removes unhealthy ones altogether (if they cannot). Either way, authenticity leads to emotional freedom.

IV. Regret #4: The Wish to Value Friendships

Another profound and recurring regret was the neglect of non-familial relationships, specifically letting meaningful friendships fade over time due to business or perceived lack of necessity.

The Misplaced Priority

Friendships are often the first relationships to be discarded when time constraints hit, as they lack the formal requirement of family or career demands. This neglect leaves individuals socially and emotionally vulnerable later in life.

The Late Realization: Ware shared, “Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of friends until their dying weeks, and by then, it was not always possible to track them down.” In their final days, the dying recognized that the unique support, shared history, and unconditional acceptance offered by true friends were desperately needed, but the bonds had withered from neglect.
The Emotional Safety Net: Friends serve as a crucial emotional safety net and a vital source of identity outside the primary family structure. Letting them go leaves one feeling isolated during times of crisis.
Actionable Step: Actively invest time and effort in the people who matter. Schedule regular, dedicated time for friends, and make those connections a non-negotiable part of your routine. Send an unexpected message today to an old friend you cherish but haven’t spoken to in months, ensuring that the people who matter most are accessible when it matters most.

V. Regret #5: The Wish to Choose Happiness

Happiness, contrary to popular belief, is not simply the result of favorable external circumstances—it is a deeply rooted, conscious psychological decision. Many patients regretted letting fear prevent them from fully embracing joy.

The Prison of Complacency

This regret centers on the failure to embrace change, leading to a state of sustained, low-grade unhappiness that eventually became permanent.

The Fear of Change: “Fear of change had them pretending to others and to themselves that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly,” Ware wrote. This fear holds people back from living life fully, trapping them in stable but unsatisfying jobs, relationships, or routines. They chose the “certainty of known unhappiness” over the frightening uncertainty of pursuing joy.
The Power of Agency: The realization, too late, is that happiness is an available option if you are willing to accept the discomfort and risk associated with making significant life changes. By actively choosing complacency, they guaranteed regret.
Actionable Step: Challenge your fear of change. Identify one area of your life where you feel perpetually “content” but not joyful. Take one concrete step toward changing that status quo. Choose happiness in the present, so regret doesn’t weigh on your final days.

The insights gathered by Bronnie Ware from those in their final weeks provide an invaluable, unsolicited roadmap for the rest of us. The biggest regrets in life are not exotic or surprising; they are failures of basic emotional maintenance: failures of authenticity, failures of presence, failures of honesty, failures of friendship, and failures of courage. By acknowledging and actively avoiding these five critical pitfalls, we can ensure that our own final reflections are filled with contentment, not crushing remorse.

Listen to the Dying: 5 Biggest Life Regrets Shared by a Nurse Who Was There