I’ve only had alcohol once—and I was five years old. My mom let me take a tiny sip of her New Year’s Champagne, and after my little liver threw a serious tantrum, I made a clear decision: the world of fermented grapes, yeast, ethanol, and even potatoes wasn’t for me. Wine, women, and song? I’m happy to skip the first and stick with the other two, thanks.
There are plenty of perks to being a non-drinker—or, as we Brits say, teetotal. I’ve never dealt with a hangover, and I can watch my friends crawl across my living room floor on a Sunday morning while I calmly do the crossword. Nights out cost me far less, I remember everything the next day, and I’ve got plenty of material for blackmail. Plus, I’ve had to learn how to be genuinely fascinating without leaning on alcohol to do the heavy lifting.
Still, alcohol is deeply woven into Western culture—from wild Spring Break shots to fancy cocktails with rare flowers and artisanal yak milk. If you don’t partake, people often have some pretty strong reactions. Like the French waiter who, upon hearing I don’t drink, gave me a look of pure horror, declared, “I would DIE,” and promptly left our table for someone else. Others assume I’m religious, straight-edge, or ready to lecture them about their whisky, and they back away nervously.
If you’re teetotal yourself, you know exactly what I mean. Here are 19 things we non-drinkers are tired of hearing.
How Do You Even Manage That?
Condescend much?
Is There a Baby on the Way?
If you’re thinking about asking a woman whether she’s pregnant, here’s a simple rule to follow: unless you’re her doctor, her OB-GYN, or her significant other — skip the question. Do not proceed, do not collect your imaginary $200.
Did You Have Issues with Drinking?
Seriously? Even if that were true, how is that even a remotely appropriate thing to ask someone you’ve just met?
That Couldn’t Have Been Easy
I’m fine, truly. Please, stop fussing over me and talking to me like I’m some lost little bunny. I’m not helpless or abandoned.
Understanding Bourbon: A Quick Guide
I don’t drink, but that doesn’t mean I’m clueless. Save me your patronizing lecture and go impress others with your spiel about the subtle blackberry notes in your red wine.
You’re Sitting This One Out? We’ll Be Drinking
There’s something genuinely thoughtful about that sentiment—it’s kind to recognize that being around drunk people can be tough if you’re not drinking yourself. Still, I’d prefer to be the one to decide whether I’m up for your Ryan Seacrest impression tonight.
Is It All About Dodging the Carbs?
This kind of sexist and condescending nonsense is unacceptable, even when it comes from other women.
The Ultimate Vomit Support Checklist
Being sober doesn’t automatically mean I’m responsible. Hand me your purse, random stranger, and I might just text all your contacts some questionable stuff—and then ditch the purse on the floor.
I’ll help you if you’re actually sick, but don’t drag me to clubs just so you have a free vomit assistant. “It’s fine, I can get really drunk tonight — I have a sober friend!” No way. Do I look like your nanny?
After This, Can You Be My Chauffeur?
Being sober doesn’t mean I’m up for driving 40 miles out of my way just to drop your booze-soaked self off at your friend Steve’s awesome party. Sorry, but quitting drinking doesn’t cover my gas expenses, mate.
Guess the Cool Cocktail Bar Is Off the Table
Actually, we can still go. Here’s a tip from a teetotaler: the quality of a cocktail bar often depends on how good their mocktails are. If the bartenders know how to make delicious drinks without alcohol, you can bet they really know their craft. So, bring a teetotaler along on your fancy nights out!
Okay, But The Next Round’s On You
No, I don’t. If non-alcoholic drinks cost the same as alcoholic ones, I’d happily join you. But if I’m paying less than half of what you’re spending per drink—or just getting water for free—I’ll handle myself, thanks.
Just Making Sure—We’re Splitting the Bill Fairly?
The same rule applies to drinks during meals. If I’m sticking to mineral water while everyone else downs five bottles of Chateau Mouton Rothschild, it’s only polite to at least pay for what you’ve consumed.
One Drink Won’t Kill You!
This one really gets under my skin. There are plenty of reasons people don’t drink—religion, health, personal choice—and it’s incredibly disrespectful to dismiss those reasons just because you can’t survive a night without a beer. Now, my go-to reply is, “You’re right! How bad could projectile vomiting really be?” delivered with a creepy, toothy grin. Works like a charm every time.
Think of All the Cash You’re Saving!
Honestly, I don’t get tired of hearing this one. In fact, yes, I do.
Avoiding Alcohol Because of the Flavor?
I’m not one to invent medical excuses just to avoid seeming boring in bars. Honestly, though, it all just smells like awful, burning stuff to me.
Reserved Seating for the Sober Crew and Kids?
Thanks, it’s really delightful to hang out with cranky teens and hyperactive kids. Don’t worry—I won’t spread my sobriety to the regular drinkers; they’re safe with me.
What’s Your Approach to Dating and Relaxing?
It might be a bit tougher, but I still manage pretty well. You just have to find the courage to be bold without relying on liquid confidence. Personally, I find a loud battle cry beforehand really helps.
Not a Fan of Parties and Drugs, Then?
Absolutely. I’m here at your social gathering solely to cast judgment and grimace at everyone sipping the devil’s brew. Later, I’ll be distributing pamphlets.
All My Sober Friends Are Prudes—Well, Except You!
Thanks a ton for that charming backhanded compliment.
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